Making the Right Decision
There’s one question I often get from my therapy clients that I can’t ever really answer: “What should I do?”. When I look back at my clients and say, “I can’t answer that for you”, they give me some serious side-eye.
As millennials, many of our decisions were made for us. Clear paths were set out, and all we had to do was follow the yellow brick road. Now, most of us realize the road only continues if we set the blocks ourselves, and the colors and directions of the road can change and be replaced at any given moment. Many of us feel crippled by all the choices we can make. Whether it’s on Amazon, dating apps, car insurance or what to do on a Saturday, it feels like we have limitless options.
I’ve had to make a lot of tough decisions over the years. I’ve had to make rash, risky, sure, and easy decisions. I’ve yet to make the right decision mostly because I believe that making “right” decisions is a myth. Making “right” decisions implies that there is ONLY ONE choice that can yield the exact outcome we seek. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life is that the Universe is too untenable of a force to be bold enough to control. I’m even hesitant to label decisions as good or bad. I think there are decisions we make that represent our authentic selves and decisions that we may make as a result of repeating unhealthy patterns we may have learned during the formidable years of our lives. But since most of us don’t categorize things this way, I’ll stick to qualifying decisions as better and poorer.
We must build our intuition to know which decisions align with our authentic selves. Easier said than done, as feelings of intuition can be confused with trauma responses. To keep ourselves from experiencing significant pain again, our brains will create certain markers that lend to a specific response. This can seem intuitive, but it’s a subconscious trigger from past trauma. Let’s say, for example, you’ve just quit a job with an incredibly toxic work environment. You get an offer from a promising new company but hear from another employee that sometimes they work long hours. Without getting more information, your “gut” may tell you this will be a repeated environment of the one you just left. In reality, this is a trauma response and creates a break from grounded objectivity.
Using tools like a pros and cons list isn’t always enough to help with gut building. You can have several items on the “pros” side of the list, but something on the “cons” side may be too big to ignore, and it becomes difficult to weigh those differences. Going to others for help in making a decision can be helpful, but going to too many people or leaning on another’s opinion can also cloud our voice and intuition.
As I worked to figure out how to best support clients and myself in building intuition, I thought about what was true about the people in my life who made the best choices. I also reflected on the context and factors involved for the best and worst decisions I’ve made in my life thus far. I recognized that in some of the best decisions I’d made, I had a good understanding on what I wanted, needed, had the capacity for, and was in line with my values. Some of the worst decisions I’d made were missing most of those factors if not all. Breaking down these four factors has helped myself and many of clients work to build self-awareness and make better decisions.
Could Do
Capacity is the structural wall for good decision-making. Understanding capacity literally dictates what’s within the realm of possibility in decision-making. I would love to buy a house in a nice neighborhood, but if my bank account says otherwise, that’s a decision I’m limited in making. And I do be limited in my monies. #Inflation
It may seem like this can lead to feelings of stuckness or limitation, but understanding what’s possible and what isn’t when it comes to physical, emotional, and financial constraints can actually be totally freeing. In a world where we have so many limitless options, creating some walls for what we can and can’t do can create more ease in making decisions. Some questions to help discern capacity may include:
What abilities do I have right now?
Which abilities can I realistically acquire?
Do I have the space mentally, physically, and financially for this?
How far would I be really stretching myself in this situation?
If I can’t do this now, can I do it later?
Capacity is important in determining the foundational elements of a decision. Once you’ve created the structure for what you can’t and can do, you can take a closer look into your morals, desires, and needs.
Should Do
As much as it may sound like a brag, being a high-capacity person has gotten me into a lot of trouble, especially in relationships. Just because I have the emotional bandwidth to support someone’s growth process or aid in cultivating a life with someone doesn’t mean I should. And boy, is this a lesson I’ve learned the hard way, time, and time, and time, and time, and time, and time again...
When it comes to most important decisions we make, having a clear understanding or our value system is crucial. Where desires can be fleeting and needs can be difficult to meet, a value system is what creates the compass for self-understanding. I would often forfeit my values of deep intimate connection, boundaried reciprocal relationships, and independence because something I wanted in the moment was tempting. As a result, I found myself often bitter towards the ends of relationships. While the short-term aspect of a decision may seem unfavorable, understanding how it aligns with your values leads to long-term satisfaction and self-love.
Now I’ve learned that even if there’s something I can do and really want to do, it doesn’t mean I should. Using a tool like a values inventory, listing the ten most important values, and how you can execute them in your life is a good place to begin your understanding of your values. When making aligned decisions, some good questions to ask yourself include:
How does this decision align with my values?
Which of my values does this decision uphold? Which values does it infringe upon?
Do I feel like this decision will yield my desired life desires in the long term?
Want to Do
Our instincts tell us to run towards pleasure and run away from pain. Our desires feed those instincts, and if we’re not careful, our desires can get us in trouble. Desires are important, however, especially when it comes to developing self-love. Allowing ourselves to indulge in what makes us happy helps provide a sense of self-care. It’s a way to show ourselves we are worthy and deserving of what we seek. Therefore it’s important to balance our desires with our values and needs. It’s important to remember desires are often temporary or easily swayed, and our most ardent desires can result from previous experiences going awry. Out of all the factors in making a decision, this is the one I often encourage my clients and myself to spend the most time flushing out. Some questions to ask yourself are:
What do I want to do right now?
What do I want out of this decision in the future?
Why do I want to fulfill this desire?
What don’t I want as a result of making this decision?
Need to Do
Finally, understanding our needs helps us make decisions leading to deep fulfillment and purpose. Needs are different from values and desires in that they satisfy something deep within us that may be missing or without. We often feel whole, grounded, and at ease when our needs are met. When making decisions, needs are important to consider because going long without our needs met can lead to making riskier decisions and getting us into situations that aren’t the healthiest for us. A needs inventory, like a values inventory, can help us understand what we need to acquire and seek in our choices. If you have a hard time understanding what your needs are, work to reflect on the times you’ve felt most at ease. If you can’t recall that time, go through the inventory and imagine how your life would look differently if the needs listed were met. Which of those needs being satisfied feels most life-fulfilling? When making a decision and considering your needs, some good questions to ask include:
What needs would this decision fulfill?
What needs would this decision neglect?
What do I need out of making this decision?
How fulfilled and satisfied do I feel going into making this decision?
While this is a little more complex than your good old-fashioned pros and cons list, assessing your needs, desires, values, and abilities will lead to more authentic and well-informed decisions. Adulting is already way too freaking much; making decisions is exhausting, but if we have to make them, we might as well make better ones.