Single and in Love: How to be Content in Singleness
The last four Valentine’s Days have looked WILDY different for me.
Four Valentine’s ago, I was in the fourth round of counseling in my almost five-year marriage, and things were seemingly a lot better. Traditions were upheld, gifts were exchanged, and I was hopeful my marriage would succeed.
Three Valentine’s Days ago, I lived in a 500 sq. foot—studio apartment. I was living alone for the first time and figuring out how to begin to heal from a broken marriage. Little did I know the landscape of the whole world was about to change just a month later.
Two Valentine’s Days ago, I was “dating”: navigating new relationships, dating apps, and figuring out what I needed in a Valentine.
One Valentine’s Day ago, I was in a committed relationship. Spoiler alert. It was not a great relationship and ended only a few months later.
This past Valentine’s Day, I was surrounded by my closest friends. We wore comfy clothes, listened to music, made fajita bowls, and played Codenames. Even though I’m single, not on any apps, and have no active suitors, I felt the most in love this past Valentine’s day than I ever have on a Valentine’s Day before. I’m in love with the life I’ve built for myself. I’m in love with the people I call friends and family. I’m in love with the woman I’ve become.
It has taken A LOT for me to get here. Those who know me know finding a life partner is one of the most, if not the most, strongly held desires I have for my life. I’m not a great casual dater. I’m a sucker for the excitement of a new relationship and the hopefulness of setting a first date. Those feelings, while not objectively problematic, mixed with my trauma and relationship history, led me to be a fully diagnosable hopeless romantic. I didn’t leave enough time in between relationships. I didn’t prioritize myself. I actively ignored red flags and made excuses for the lack of reciprocation or respect I’d receive in relationships because I could take it on. I mistook being treated nicely or someone’s thoughtfulness as a strong connection. I thought anything was possible with enough work.
As a self-identified hopeful romantic, I’ve become more realistic and know the difference between potential and fantasy. I know what it fundamentally takes to make a relationship work. I’ve learned what having a good emotional connection with someone looks like. With this knowledge, I’ve gotten to a place where I can solidly say that I can uphold boundaries, protect my heart and still be vulnerable to the possibility of love.
So no, I’m not afraid that I’m about to turn 31 and have yet to find my life partner. I’m not upset that many of the males in my past have moved on. I’m not clinging to false hope or manipulating situations to get someone to like me. As a matter of fact, I’m not really doing much of anything these days when it comes to dating. I’m confident that my new approach will land me the man of my dreams. Why? Because I’ve surrendered control, and instead, I’m trusting myself and the Universe that it will happen for me.
How to Surrender
The kryptonite to anxiety is surrender. I love the word surrender. It has more of a complete resignation than the notion of “letting go.” When we work to let things go, they often stay lingering in some space in our hearts and it feels like a nuisance. Surrendering is about acceptance and recognizing that someone or something had hold of our heart for a reason, and while it’s not our desired outcome, it is what it is.
While it is as simple as that, the problem is that anxiety is often hidden and reinforced in control. And if there’s anything we humans love to have, it’s control. As a high achiever, it’s been difficult to understand what I’m actively engaged in because of something I care about and engagement resulting from wanting to guarantee a particular outcome. The truth is, when it comes to relationships with others, control has its limits. No one wants to be forced into loving someone, and receiving forced love doesn’t feel good for long. Control is often at the core of the hero’s journey when you think of the greatest superhero stories. It isn’t until Bruce Wayne lets go of his tortured past that he understands the health of Gotham is not solely dependent on him and that he can let love in. Spider-man surrenders to the idea that his loved ones will always be in danger should he continue to choose to fight for New York.
In singleness, surrendering has recently looked like understanding that the relentless search for a partner has not yielded my life partner. Therefore, I must allow space and time for the “right” individual to come into my life. Instead of continuing to force connections or become overly attached to one person or aspect of a relationship, I’ve surrendered to the truth that to be open to love; I need to be unencumbered by attached feelings to someone or something specific. A great connection, solid emotional capacity, and a willingness to commit to exploring the relationship are all necessary for a relationship to succeed. I’ve also surrendered to the idea that rejection is a failure of dating. If you don’t engage in dating with vulnerability, you can’t hope to find your great love.
The healthy relationship with control in singleness is acknowledging that all I can do is control myself. I can be open, have healthy boundaries, and share my hopes and desires. Beyond that, it’s within the universe’s control whether the intersection between myself and another person will align to equal a compatible and committed connection. It’s up to the other person to decide how they can and want to show up for me.
Whenever I get stuck in control, I like to punch out and take a bird’s eye view. Do I really want to control everything in my life? How overwhelming would it be to dictate how, when, what, and why, everything happens? How tolerable would it be to puppet, steer, and decide every single little thing that happens in my life? Once I answer these questions, I’m quickly brought back to a place of groundedness that allows for surrendering: humility. The key to surrender is to realize you’re like not that important person in the grand scheme of things. Yes, you have worth and value, and your presence on this planet matters, but I’m not so bold as to believe I’m the best person to run this whole “world” thing. In fact, the most rewarding relationships and opportunities that have presented themselves in my life have been when I’m allowing myself to be open to experiences and people that a controlled version of me would have otherwise rejected.
Other than surrendering control, we can surrender notions and ideas commonly found in dating. These include surrendering the notions that:
Your value and worth are dependent on whether or not you’re partnered
The only way to fully enjoy different experiences in life is with others
Going on “solo-dates” is embarrassing or awkward
Being rejected is the worst thing that could happen
If someone cared for you enough, they would change or become “ready” to be with you if they’ve communicated otherwise (if “he wanted to he would” is an overgeneralization. We intersect with people at different places in their lives, and we need to accept where people’s healing and capacity journeys are. A better shift would be “if he/she didn’t, someone else will” <- as long as the expectations and desires for the relationship are reasonable)
You did something wrong if a relationship didn’t work out (multiple factors are often in play for while a relationship may have failed)
One failed relationship means you’ll be alone forever
Relationships only work when the right person comes along (If you’re not healthy yourself, any relationship can fail)
You can only love someone once you fully love yourself (self-love is a life-long process and research shows healthy interdependent healing is so much more effective than healing alone)
Playing games is necessary to win at dating
Surrendering has also allowed other people to show up for me in love in ways outside of romantic relationships. The people closest to me have lovingly put me in my place and have reminded me that it’s okay to enjoy a meal during a crowded theme park night because there’s a plan in place. They’ve reminded me I don’t have to “mother” everyone around me. They’ve permitted me to surrender to them and show up for me in love. They’ve modeled for me that love for me is possible and tangible, and while it’s not been fulfilled in the romantic space, it is only a matter of time.
How to Trust
I think it’s pretty evident that surrender and trust go hand in hand. To surrender to the Universe and the people around you, a base of trust is FUNDAMENTAL. And while you may think trust has to begin with a belief in some higher power or belief in someone else, complete trust has to start with yourself.
I have been a chronic overthinker for most of my life. During several seasons of my life, I have doubted everything up to whether or not I liked the clothes I wore or the music I’d listen to. Self-doubt and insecurity are CRIPPLING to the soul and makes being single unbearable. If you can’t trust yourself, no quantity of validation, assurance, or commitment will quiet the voice of uncertainty. That’s one of the reasons why people often jump from relationship to relationship- to avoid having too much time dealing with the self.
The best decision I’ve made in my adult life is allowing for the process to become intimately familiar with myself. I’ve learned how to build a gut by allowing myself first to assess a situation, check in with my thoughts about it, and then enter into said situation with that knowledge while inviting others to speak into the experience. This has allowed me to become attuned to patterns in my life while still understanding the difference in the nuance of each emotional experience. For example, I have historically dated people who didn’t have the emotional maturity and capacity to engage in healthy relational dynamics. As a result, I often became the emotional compass. Are we surprised? This dynamic was all about having the control! The relationship's health was determined by me and how much I was helping this person heal their inner demons. Once I became exhausted from this dynamic (because being in complete control is exhausting!), I’d become cold and icy and would immediately want to leave the relationship. This often made others feel blindsided because I was first so invested and then so not.
Now, when I begin an intimate relationship with someone, I check for signs of emotional maturity with the understanding that not everyone, including myself, will be fully healed from their past hurts. I look for signs of understanding that we are responsible for our emotional burdens but want to encourage and challenge each other to heal those hurts. Instead of running at the first sign of emotional insecurity on either end, I allow space for that to change after clearly stating my desires. If those boundaries and desires are understood and met, then yay! Pass Go and collect $200 big ones. If not, it’s time to change that relationship dynamic or step back completely.
Another way I’ve worked to build trust in myself is by being intentional with the life I’ve built. Instead of believing that I could only be fulfilled and have a purpose in life when I have someone to share it with, I worked to show myself that I’m capable and able to provide that fulfillment for myself. Do I want to share silly moments and guilty pleasures with another person who gets me and is my best friend? Of freaking course! But until that happens, I can take myself out on a date. I can appreciate and love my own company. The most intimate relationship I will ever have is the relationship I have with myself because I’m with me 24/7. So now that I know I’m capable of this joy and self-love, I can be patient in waiting for someone who wants to enrich and share in the life I’ve built and wants me to do the same for them.
I also trust my support system will help me navigate these relationships. I trust my gut to make the right calls about whether or not someone is healthy for me or I for them. I trust people when they say they can or can’t show up for me and in what capacity. I trust myself to speak up when I see actions and words not aligning. I trust that if that trust with someone is broken, it’s because the universe is signaling that this person is not for me. I fully trust that I will join with my life partner someday. In fact, I have a strong feeling it’ll happen sooner rather than later. And you can trust that I’ll share the road to that person and everything that helped me get to them.