Resolving for a Better New Year
When someone knows you better than anyone ever could, even better than you know yourself, and you allow to be that known, you reach the height of intimacy. The pinnacle of vulnerability. There was a time I felt this vulnerable. I had opened myself up to someone who knew me with a depth of understanding to the extent that I chose to commit my life in marriage to them. Then that knowledge started to feel like my undoing. A weapon against me. And I broke.
There were times throughout the last three years when I was sure I was completely healed. And in many ways, I was actively healing. I had processed, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I explored what made for a healthy relationship. I counseled clients through heartbreak and true love; my hopefulness for love was in everything I did. I thought because I was the one to go- because I understood the reasons for why I left, I would not have any difficulty in regaining a sense of self and finding a truer love.
The truth, however, was that while I had processed the reasons for the end of my marriage, I never understood how I reacted to its demise. I didn’t notice what I’d done to protect myself through the midst of the pain. Therefore, I found myself in an active cycle when it came to dating and relationships. I was acting insane. Literally. Many people don’t know this because the connotation of the word feels so heavy, but the literal definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And if I’m being honest: we’re all kind of a little insane. As behavioral-based individuals actions and responses are reinforced based on the outcome. Avoidance for example becomes reinforced when we feel the relief of not having to deal with something in the moment. Over time, these behaviors become maladaptive because they no longer serve us. When this happens, we should feel the sting of their negative feedback and learn to do something different. Think of the notion of touching your hand on a hot stove. You put your hand on it and OUCHIE- it’s hot. You do a little jiggle, you might put your mouth to your hand, and then you know not to touch the stove again.
Because many of us don’t know what different looks like, we end up repeating the same behaviors and expect something different to happen. When it doesn’t, we get mad anxious, and depressed, and often this is when people consider coming to see someone like me. Luckily, the prescription to the problem is pretty simple: do something different. Getting there is a little trickier so while I can provide some ways to help support yourself in the process, therapy is my preferred method for holistic healing.
Investigate
The way to promote self-awareness is to become curious about the self. If I had a dollar for how many times I would hear a client say: “why do I keep doing this?”, I would still be where I am currently. This inflation is Bananas. B-A-N-A—N-A-S! More often than not, people have a tendency to stop with this line of questioning because they aren’t used to asking themselves the questions a therapist or a friend may ask. If therapy is not right for you at this time, then I’d encourage you to pretend to be your own friend and probe for some more data.
Some helpful processing questions may include:
How often have I found myself hurt or frustrated by a specific type of relationship/interaction?
How do I tend to engage leading up to these hurts?
What have friends/loved ones said about my relational history?
What issues do I often see overall in different domains of my life? Work? School? Family? Friends? Partners?
What feedback do I usually hate hearing the most?
How would my life look differently if I removed myself from ________?
My breakthrough came in the form of me asking myself: what is this pattern of relationship I continue to get into and why? Through my own clinical processing, and admittedly after the end of another relationship I finally understood what I was doing. The irony of all ironies is that I’ve actually written about conquering this in a previous post, feeling so sure of myself that I wasn’t letting fear get in the way of my relationships. But I was fearful. I was scared to find someone who could match my emotional depth, know me deeply and intimately, and wield that knowledge to hurt me. So in order to protect myself, I kept dating people who were kind and incredibly caring but couldn’t emotionally provide. They felt super connected to me because of what I could provide emotionally to them, but over time, I’d realize I couldn’t connect to them as well. I didn’t feel known. I’d get frustrated and share my grievances, and because of where they were in their life they wouldn’t know how to show up, so I’d end the relationship and feel sure that I’d find the person who’d “get me”. Now I realize that no one will “get me” if I continue to pursue people who don’t have the emotional capacity to do so.
Additionally, because I had been married so young and the message I received from the religious institutions I had been a part of was that your partner was your everything, I felt like as a thirty-year-old woman, my relationships should be even more serious and even more prioritized (can we say TRAUMA?!).
So I would start these relationships with serious intent. I would get to the bottom of any incompatibilities and wanted to resolve them immediately so as to not waste time and be a “serious dater”. The problem with that is that I’d confuse intentionality with intensity. And when things are intense, the pressure mounds quickly, and things aren’t allowed time to develop. This was true in many of friendships as well, and I realized that I wasn’t giving others the space to show up for me, because I was doing all of the emotional labor to ensure and guarantee friendship.
Another pattern I observed in myself was the quickness I got into self-deprecating spirals over things that were out of my control. If I had a “bad day”, I would attribute that to my worth somehow and feel personally attacked by the universe in some way.
Act
Okay, great. So we have all of these realizations. What’s next? I think this part is fundamental because a lot of us have awareness but don’t know what to do about it. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as “analysis paralysis”. The thing is, change doesn’t happen from having knowledge alone. One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou and she says,
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
The DO here is key. What happens often is if we experience a negative effect from a pattern of behavior that we typically have engaged in, our tendency is to repeat that behavior or what I think could actually be worse; we swing to the opposite side of the pendulum. This is so apparent in dating relationships and it happens all the time. Think of how often you may have heard “wisdom” sound like this: “you were too available. Next time you have to play hard to get”, or, “you can’t tell people what you think because they get mad at you. Next time, lie.” The extreme of one behavior isn’t canceled out by the extreme of the opposite behavior. You will still yield negative results.
The decision to act needs to consider your values, your desired outcome, and a balanced approach to the extreme sides of the spectrum.
So for me, when it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve decided to take a considerable step in the direction of letting things happen organically. This doesn’t mean I won’t be intentional in pursuing someone I’m interested in, it just means I won’t do all the emotional and physical labor to force a pace and structure of serious commitment. Instead of going to the opposite end of “well I used to do everything so now, they need to do everything”, I’m striking a balance of “I’m letting my desires and interest be known and I’m giving others the space to meet me in that interest”. This way, there’s time to allow that emotional connection to develop. If the connection is there, then we can see how compatible we are. And if compatibility is there, then a commitment can be made to explore the longevity of the relationship. If it works out, great. And if they don’t meet me in that space, then they aren’t my person long-term and I wouldn’t want to force something on them anyway. I’ve taken a similar approach in my friendships. Instead of always being the one to initiate, and checking up on people, I’m allowing people the space and the opportunity to check up on me. And it’s worked! Again, still intentional, still present, but not the one taking up the charge in all things relationship.
When it comes to dealing with bad days, I’ve also engaged differently. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, or trying to be Miss Positive about unfortunate circumstances, I give myself the space to validate the crappiness of the feeling and then I identify what I need to feel better so that I can move on to the fortunate and wonderful things that are happening in my life.
I get that “do something different” sounds simple and matter-of-fact. And it is. There have been many a session when a client asks “is it that easy?” and I’m like,
The thing is, simple and easy for many of us is also unfamiliar and scary. We fear that if we do something different, and get to where we want to go, then we’ll have to hope for something. And hope means the potential for loss. And loss means the potential for pain. Really, if we do something different, and yield the results we’re wanting, we teach ourselves that we’re resilient. Which by definition means we’re able to deal with pain better. And while it’s been difficult and scary, I would much rather be resilient than insane. So, for 2023, instead of doing the same thing of setting unrealistic goals and resolutions when I have no idea what’s in store for me, I’m just choosing to do things differently. My hope for this year is that I can move closer to my ambitions and goals by allowing them to happen with intent, not intensity, and organically, not controlled. I’m not writing down rigid goals that will make me feel bad if I don’t complete them, rather I’m envisioning ways that I can be fulfilled and satisfied in my personal and professional life and am being open to how I get there.
Happy New Year,
Edi