Love and Fear: How Modern Dating Made Love Scary
My head was resting on his lap while he read Toni Morrison to me. He was reading from a book of her collected wisdom over the years he had gifted me just the day before. Never had such a simple activity felt so wonderful. Everything inside of me was buzzing. Usually in relationships, I’m very doubtful. I question often and evaluate everything. And while I was managing my thoughts because I knew it was early, something inside of me said, “this has some serious potential”. I’ve worked hard to feel like the main character of most of my life: I have a successful counseling practice, I live alone in a beautiful apartment with the bestest dog, I enjoy a lot of hobbies, have no trouble with spending time alone, and have some amazing friends and family. But when it came to romantic relationships, the main character energy evaded me. I was either the one who was needed or the one who was told to be needy. Never sure, never independent. Until this moment- a random Tuesday night in a downtown apartment, where I felt like I was one in myself alongside someone else. Outside of this moment, there were other good signs: we had tons in common, wanted the same things out of life, had a lot of fun together, and understood each other’s cultures. I never wanted it to end. But it did. In the span of a couple of days, things changed. I felt uneasy and anxious. I could feel it slipping away and I didn’t know why. There were three conversations- each confusing and unexpected. I made many of my feelings known in a final text. And then nothing. I literally got left on read.
Unfortunately, I’m not unique to this experience. As a counselor and as a friend to many single individuals in their late twenties and early thirties, I’ve learned stuff like this happens all the time. So much so, that full trends go viral on TikTok where people share their dating horror stories.
My first reaction is to try to squeeze all my particles through the image of the billions of galaxies we just uncovered and hope I end up in another galaxy because frankly, I HATE IT HERE. But when the grief starts to subside and I challenge the anxious thoughts, I remember how much I believe in love. Isn’t that insane? Despite the fact that I’ve been MARRIED and DIVORCED, that I’ve dated people who gaslit me into thinking I’d be helpless without them, that I listen to story upon story in my counseling office about how dating sucks, despite the fact that I got the closest to “it” I’ve ever been and then “it” evaporated into this hot ass gaseous sphere, I still believe in love. I believe it when I see my dearest friends laugh and problem-solve with their partners and when I watch romance develop into healthy partnerships in my counseling clients. As I ponder what all of those stories of success have in common, one word comes to mind: bravery. I believe overcoming fear is what’s necessary to meet up with fate, and let her do the rest.
Overcoming Fear of Choice
“You’re such a catch. I know you can get on the apps and find someone who is better for you”. Do you remember book guy from the beginning of this post? This was one of the things he said as we had the first conversation which eventually led to ending things. Regardless of the intention of his statement, it hints at a whole industry of dating which has made us believe dating is similar to the process of shopping. You like it, you buy it, something’s wrong with it and you return it. Or, you like it, you buy it, and then something else looks seemingly better launches and you want it instead. The dating marketplace is killing romance.
According to The Atlantic, the “dating marketplace” has turned people into a commodity and it’s desensitized us to compassionate and brave dating. Since there’s a queue of others waiting for your attention: ghosting, inconsistency, and uncertainty around choice have become a norm for those of us swimming in the hella chaotic waters of the dating pool. We’re now under the impression making the “wrong” choice could lead to missing out on something “better”. Ever notice how much we talk about “red flags” and “icks” and how little we consider “green flags” and “positive qualities”? To some extent, it’s not the complete fault of the dating industry for focusing on things that may not be desirable in a partner. Some people are truly toxic and abusive. However, some patterns of unhealthy functioning can be easier to spot with the work of self-love, self-awareness, and a commitment to overcoming the fear of rejection. It’s also true that some connections are only platonic or that there may not be enough overlap in terms of values and interests to pursue something with someone who objectively is a good person. But, for the relationships that have solid potential to develop into “the one”, many times, the fear of “wrong” leads to over-thinking, over-controlling, and over-everything-ing.
In addition to the marketplace of dating, the culture of “wokeness” has also been detrimental to brave love. We have come to idolize the “self-aware” individual as someone who is put together and therefore requires someone who’s just as actualized. The truth is, no one is ever fully complete. Life is a journey of learning and the moment you stop, you’re either dead or you’ve shut out the possibility of growth through the vehicle of self-absorption.
So, how to overcome this fear? Well, there needs to be an understanding that while technically someone who is smarter, cuter, funnier, wiser, wealthier, whatever it may be exists in the world (which is populated by about 8 billion people, btdubs), the potential in the person right in front of you can be enough. Making the decision of enough doesn’t mean settling or accepting the bare minimum. It means understanding that NO ONE will be without flaws and that brave love requires both individuals to accept those flaws in each other and hopefully, graciously challenge each other to improve upon those flaws.
Overcoming this fear also means accepting the following: there’s no such thing as a perfect match (i.e. having exact same interests and wanting to do everything the same way), conflict and compromise are normal and healthy in a relationship, and some level of doubt is okay to have in a relationship- especially in the early stages. Another way to overcome this fear is to invite other methods of meeting potential romantic interests outside of the apps.
Being chosen and choosing someone is the active action of love. Brave love makes the choice when the honeymoon phase is over, when the need to communicate or be challenged arises, and when something seemingly “better” presents itself.
Overcoming Fear of Commitment
Yikes. This freaking fear can seem like a mammoth to overcome. In truth, however, the fear of commitment is often rooted in something quite simple. Esther Perel, our archangel of relationship therapy, frames commitment phobia as an issue of freedom. Most of us are hard-wired to desire two things: connection and freedom. She hypothesizes these two desires can come into conflict with each other when framed in a certain way. The myth commitment-phobes tend to believe is the desire for connection and intimacy means bringing someone into the mix who can essentially “fuck our shit up”. Especially as the dating pool gets older. The older we are, the more rigid we are in our routines and habits, and the scarier it becomes to allow someone to change some of those things. I can’t tell you how many times I hear clients say they aren’t ready for marriage or kids because they’re afraid to “give up” the independence and freedom they currently have in their lives. And like, heard. However, remember there are two hard-wired desires: freedom AND connection. Eventually, commitment-phobes find their way onto dating apps because they seek intimacy and cite looking for something “casual” because they think a causal relationship satisfies both worlds: freedom and intimacy. But as most of us know, casual dating is a lying liar who lies. Eventually, feelings are caught and well, you know, the hurt commences.
Esther explains how overcoming this fear is understanding how intimacy and connection in a relationship can actually lead to experiences of freedom and independence. It’s the exact feeling I described at the beginning when I was sharing my “main-character energy moment”. I felt so connected in that moment, I felt free to experience it fully and completely in the present. I took in the words of my favorite author, I responded audibly to things that moved me, and I didn’t feel the need to explain or be self-conscious of my responses. I was just me.
“But what if I’m not ready for commitment?” Okay, fair. Commitment does require a level of maturity, availability, and self-awareness. It requires an understanding that committing to someone is allowing yourself to take their influence, include them in your life, and build something together. Becoming as ready as possible requires openness to flexibility, understanding weak points, and making a decision to work on them individually first before inviting someone to support your growth. There are ways to still find connection and intimacy without the structure of a romantic relationship through friends, family, acquaintances, and institutional support.
Ultimately, the way to overcome the fear of commitment is to accept that building a life with someone will require healthy boundary-setting. While boundaries may seem like limitations, they actually are freeing because they take the guesswork away from what’s probable and creates a path for what’s possible. Overcoming this fear also means accepting that some changes to a routine will need to be made and those changes will invite new and exciting ways to manage life with the support of someone else.
Overcoming Fear of Sabotage
All my self-sabotagers in the building, let me hear you SCREAM!!!! Because that’s basically what you’re doing internally the entire time you’re dating someone.
This is another common fear and one that’s actually pretty tricky to overcome. The fear of sabotaging a relationship is deeply rooted in insecurity. For those of us who share the “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable” core belief, sabotage is a close and pesky friend. The fear essentially boils down to the belief, “I will do something that will ruin this relationship”. And you want to know the irony of all ironies? If this fear isn’t overcome, the self-fulfilling prophecy is sure to come true. Meaning, the very thing you’re afraid of becomes the reality. Sabotage takes many forms, but the most common are excessive jealousy, excessive validation seeking, retaliation, and lack of communication.
I promise there’s hope. The way to overcome the fear of sabotaging a relationship is to work on inner healing and build self-awareness. And I mean real self-awareness. As in, I know how I feel, I understand why I feel this way and I’m going to do something to soothe and validate this emotional experience through action. See, a lot of people miss this last part. They believe self-awareness is just understanding why they are the way they are or what motivates them to do certain things and they stop right there. Insight is only PART of self-awareness. The other portion comes in doing something with the insight. Loving Bravely, by Dr. Alexandra Solomon is the best book I’ve read on beginning to work on self-awareness and it follows alongside many of the themes discussed in this post. I highly recommend it to people who struggle with feelings of insecurity and anxiety in relationships. Oh, also therapy. Therapy is literally the process of understanding and growing self. 10/10 would recommend therapy for literally anybody.
Overcoming Fear of Stagnation
While I’m embarrassed to admit it, the fear of stagnation is one of my fears of love. This fear is interesting because it masks itself in idealization, but like the others, it doesn’t take much to strip it down. This fear is embedded in the fear of being unknown or unseen and also in the fear of being “too good to be true”. If things are smooth and normal, then people who have experienced significant trauma start to think something is up. The other shoe may drop at any moment therefore they need to prepare. That’s when things like self-sabotage or pushing away become present and eventually lead to significant problems in a relationship.
It’s important to heal from and understand the way trauma leads to quickly idealizing and devaluing self and others. Another way to overcome this fear is to accept both good and bad things are present in this world and both need to happen to experience the full spectrum of human experience. Good things don’t mean bad things are coming. Bad things are not an indicator of how the rest of life is going to play out. Another important notion to accept is that true love isn’t a fantasy. Conversations don’t always have to be deep and meaningful, experiences don’t always have to be new and exciting. Brave love is understanding the joy in getting to share the simplicity of life with another person.
Overcoming Fear of Hurt
We’ve reached the boss of all fears, folks. Everyone heals up and level up because this is the fear which drives most of the people I see to start therapy. Fear of getting hurt encompasses all these fears, along with fears of rejection and abandonment.
When it comes to our relationship with pain, I like to say humans have adapted but haven’t evolved. Here’s why: we are inherently programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. “Wow, thanks Edi- what groundbreaking insight”. I know, but I’m setting the groundwork. A nice and girthy foundation. Because life has become way more complex and nuanced than it was when we ate rocks and scratched the fleas out of our hair, the way we experience pain and pleasure is nuanced as well. Our brains, however, haven’t caught up to the complexity. So, if we are heartbroken by a dude named Steve who worked at an ice cream shop and rode his bike with a bunch of teenagers in the middle of nowhere America, then our brains want us to avoid any dude named Steve. However, there are plenty of Steves out there who don’t live in small towns, don’t work in ice cream shops, and don’t have a gang of DnD-playing kiddos. Our brains sometimes generalize triggers of pain to prevent us from being hurt, however, that generalization is not always valid. Just because communicating your desires in one relationship led to it failing, doesn’t mean it always will. Therefore, instead of reacting to a previous instance, you keep communicating, especially because you know it’s good for you. Just because you had sex with someone later on and they rejected you, doesn’t mean you have to have sex with someone right away to guarantee their commitment. You make that decision based on what’s comfortable and safe for you, not on what’s happened before. We can’t let our past pains dictate how we move forward in present relationships. It’s important to understand past patterns of functioning, but only to learn and grow from- not to protect and ensure no pain will ever happen again.
Because the truth of it is: pain is and will be a vital and necessary aspect of life. There is balance in life. Without bad, we can’t know good. Without light, we can’t know dark. Pain grows us emotionally to become resilient and to expand our potential for compassion, empathy, and ultimately, connection. So fearing pain is kind of silly. Overcoming this fear means accepting that avoiding pain is impossible. It means acknowledging that pain in a relationship can be an opportunity to learn, grow, understand, and heal from hurts from the past. Overcoming pain can actually lead to greater intimacy and fulfillment in life and isn’t that what we’re all looking for in the end?
Love is only scary if we let it be. And truthfully when we let fear take us over, we miss out on the most beautiful aspects of life. Out of fear of being hurt and rejected, I didn’t say so many things I wanted to say in the conversations I’d mentioned earlier. I didn’t share how hurt I was to hear that I may not inspire the desire to work on things for someone when I was so ready to do it for them. I didn’t say how little I cared about “someone else” because this felt like it had the potential to be more than enough. Out of fear of being seen as unhealthy or too much, I forfeited a lot of what I felt in the moment for a false pretense of something uncertain in the future. And yeah I’m scared sometimes still, but even in the midst of my grief in singleness and the moments where I cry into my pillow because I can’t get my duvet cover on and I just wish that I had someone to help me, I believe in doing the work to love bravely, because love is what helps us work through the bad, and it’s the center of everything that is good. And one day, my work and fate will meet and I’ll be bravely in love.