Do You Believe in Life After Love?

Signing into my Squarespace account today made me feel a little nervous. Two drafts - one from early last year and another from June of last year - were sitting in my drafts list and I felt an immediate pang of guilt. I felt like I left in such a hopeful and promising place after my last published post and then the reality of being a late twenties divorcee in the midst of a global pandemic set in and I wasn’t hopeful at all.

I just wrapped up months of processing the second biggest decision of my life and wrote about it. For weeks after publishing the last post, I considered deleting the series or taking the whole site down and forgetting that this cyberspace where I once found joy and passion even existed.

Whenever I got close to resigning to myself that I shouldn’t write or share from this perspective ever again, I’d receive an email in my inbox about how much this series was helping someone who was going through a similar situation. That felt valuable to me and so did my story. So, I just unintentionally took a really long break. The initial separation started with this fear that sharing anything less than being head-over-heels in love, thriving in every aspect of my life, and providing a step-by-step approach to achieving the same was a disappointment to this initial sense of freedom and hopefulness I had. I feared it would disappoint the individuals who use this blog as a sense of guidance or it would be ammunition for those who didn’t necessarily understand my decision to get a divorce or frankly weren’t fans of me. I realized how self-entitled both those notions were and worked through them with my therapist and support system. So, I sat down at my computer once more and started to write. Nothing flowed the way it usually did and so another block commenced. The second break from writing came from a brutal realization that the path to healing is not a whirlwind evening on the back of a moped in Ibiza. Real healing, true soul-wrenching, identity-forming healing is brutal, messy, and unclear, until, you never feel more clear or sure in your life.

Which is thankfully where you find me today.

So much has changed in the last two years. This sentiment, I’m sure resonates with so many people. Collectively, we have all been mourning and anxiously anticipating a set of ideals and norms that will never be the same. In the midst of all this loss, I’ve been mourning the failure of a marriage, the loss of a pregnancy within that marriage, the hurt that I’ve caused those who were collateral in the messiness that is healing, and a future that I know I’ll never have due to the decisions I’ve made.

I’ve also rejoiced. I’ve rejoiced in the deepening of friendships that I always longed for but could never sustain while in the throws of an unhealthy relationship. I’ve rejoiced in a better understanding of my parents and consequently, a closeness with them that feels mature and bonded. I’ve rejoiced in the process of dating and getting to know myself and others in the context of singleness in my late twenties. Finally, I’ve rejoiced in the life that I’ve been able to build for myself since getting a divorce. These days, I live in Central Florida, in a beautiful lakeside apartment, with my wiggly companion, Buffy.

Photo Credit: Tyler Pierce

I continue my work as a mental health counselor, building a fully virtual practice in Georgia and Florida as I’m now licensed in both states. I have a peer group of colleagues that I adore, I have weekly FaceTime dates with my two dearest friends, and I’ve been growing a community of people who support and help challenge me.

I know how trite it seems to be writing again when all is seemingly perfect. What I’ve learned and what is becoming increasingly clear to me every day though is that with age, experience, and life, there is both good and bad. Suffering and joy. Life hasn’t gotten easier for me, I’ve just gotten better at tolerating the ish that comes with being human. I’ve been able to learn to take feedback, process trauma and help others in a way that’s fundamental to accepting the realities of humanity.

So, I start from here, and my mission renewed. I aim to use my experiences and my education and training as a counselor to help others understand that the way to avoid pain isn’t by letting past traumas or fear dictate our choices. Life, in pain and in suffering, is still worth living. Relationship while scary and unknown is still worth pursuing. Love doesn’t have beginnings and endings in the way we necessarily think. Emotional energy works a lot like physical energy. Love can’t be created or destroyed- it just shifts and changes. I believe the sooner we can come to understand that, the better wielders of love we can become. Because love is the center of everything.

So, please stay tuned for more regular posts.

Love,

Edi