Understanding Capacity
When I teach my clients about their core beliefs, I walk them through the notion of automatic thoughts. These are thoughts that, stay with me here, happen automatically. While the core concept is pretty simple, the way these thoughts become etched in our brains is more complex. Basically, what happens is this: at some point, we receive a narrative about ourselves, usually from our primary caregivers, about our capabilities or our personalities. Then, once something reinforces that narrative, our brains create a pathway. Let’s say, for example, you grew up and had a much older sibling who was like a mother figure. Whenever you did homework and asked for help, she’d say something like, “Why are you so dumb? Figure it out!”. This reinforces a narrative that you can’t do school work, so whenever a big test or pop quiz comes up, your anxiety shoots through the roof, and you think, “I can’t do this.” Congratulations, you’ve unlocked a new automatic thought! Our brains create these pathways for several reasons. The first is that your brain is trying to preserve as much energy as possible, so if we can get to some assumptions quicker, we are using less brain power. The second is a form of protection. If you can already tell yourself you can’t do something, you may not risk doing said thing, thus saving yourself from more heartache or potential trauma. The problem with this adaptation is that it doesn’t account for the nuance of each unique situation. Over time, this automatic thought begins to dictate your actions, and what once was a form of protecting yourself becomes a limiter to growth, connection, and experience.
Because this thought, “I can’t do this”, is rigid and doesn’t account for unique situations, it’s also considered a cognitive distortion. These are concrete patterns of thought and often are not based on objective truth. Believing you can’t do something before you have allowed yourself to try is a form of cognitive distortion called “jumping to conclusions.”
The best way to combat this thought is to take a real look at the heart of this message: “What am I and am I not capable of.” Understanding your capacity is crucial to the health of your relationships and your decision-making.
Being Enough
If I could upload the entire Barbie movie in this section of the blog without having the FBI come after me, I totally would. Without giving too much away, the whole movie is centered around self-exploration and the limitations both men and women have on their own journeys of self-exploration due to the messages they receive from society. Barbie, played by Margot Robbie, is trying to figure out her place in Barbie Land as stereotypical Barbie and Ken is trying to find his place in Barbie’s life. As the movie unfolds Ken learns a valuable lesson in accessing his emotions while being able to maintain his masculinity and identity while Barbie learns that in order for her to be valuable she doesn’t have to accomplish some outwardly impressive achievement. Both of these characters go through a journey of self-exploration that yields them to the same conclusion: I am enough. Well, for Ken it’s, “I am Kenough”. Isn’t that just precious?!?! I’m telling you, go watch this movie….NOW!
Knowing you’re enough helps with the question of capacity in several ways. First, it lowers the stakes. Often when we think about what we can and can’t do, we are coming at it from a place of emotional intensity because we’ve attached so much meaning to our sense of self-worth and this thing we can or can’t do. “If I can’t get a job, I’m useless.” “If I can’t get good grades, I’m stupid.” “If I can’t be a good boyfriend, I’m bad.” Thinking this way heightens the stakes, and so we often feel paralyzed in our understanding of what we are actually capable of. If we take a minute to recognize that our ability to do something is not directly correlated to who we are as a person, it lessens the emotional intensity and creates space for self-compassion. It makes it okay to know that mistakes are going to be made and that perfection isn’t the goal of life.
Because we may not feel good about ourselves, we may falsely believe perfection is the only metric to strive for. I think about this, especially when it comes to relationships. Jay Shetty, a life coach who spent time living among monks, talks about gifts and gaps that we receive from our parents in his book, 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, & Let it Go. Gaps are the things that we very obviously lack from our parents that they may inform our capacity. For example, “My mom never trusted the men in her life, which means I can’t ever trust men.” The gap there is trust. But he also talks about the “gifts” we may get from our parents that hinder our accurate view of our capacity. The primary example of a gift is having two parents happily married and in love after years of being together. This is a hindrance because we may think, “I have to find my perfect love.” The narrative is then that there must be something we’re missing or don’t have if we can’t find love the same way they did.
Ironically, the way to help improve our sense of self is to extend our capacity. Dialectical behavioral therapy encourages the notion of “Building Mastery.” If you can show yourself that you can do hard things, you’ll develop a sense of accomplishment and feel more empowered and proud of yourself. The key here is to build, as in, start slowly. Because we often compare ourselves to what we see online or want the immediate satisfaction of achieving something, we expect things to work out perfectly or have them guaranteed before we even try. This is why as a generation, we often avoid. Studies show that most millennials experience some anxiety when it comes to trivial tasks such as making doctors appointments because there is such a heavy expectation placed on “saying or doing the right thing.” I also find that we’re often already engaging in tasks or relationships but the naming or categorization of that thing is the thing that feels scary. I have had countless sessions where a client states they can’t do a job or be in a “committed relationship” while actively engaging in the tasks of said job or engaging presently in a relationship.
It’s important here to acknowledge several truths:
The most worthwhile things in life often require intentional work and commitment.
Intentional work and commitment lead to self-satisfaction.
Trying and failing is not a marker of your sense of self, nor a marker of future outcomes.
Trying and succeeding doesn’t mean you have nothing left to strive for.
Taking a risk is an act of courage, and courage shows character.
Life is about changing, growing, and learning, not having everything figured out, doing things perfectly, and never making any mistakes. Pain is a necessary experience because it promotes appreciation and gratitude for joy. Discomfort is necessary because it creates room to grow. If we stay the same, if we never experience difficulty, what are we doing?
Knowing Enough
Second to learning we are enough, knowing when something is good enough is essential. This notion is reinforced by the late Aaron Beck, who is credited with the development of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). He talks about accepting and welcoming “being average.” Tough pill to swallow for a generation that was told, “you can be whatever you want to be”, “you can do great things”. Average is unacceptable for many of us, which is why work burnout is at an all-time high. Millennials spend more time in the office, more time online watching other people’s perfect lives, more time finding the “right” relationship, and less time accepting that sometimes good enough or average is not just acceptable but incredibly special.
I struggled with this notion for a long time. As a first-generation woman of color, I felt the obligation to be the most outstanding student, daughter, Christian, and role model because I felt like I needed to make the sacrifice my parent’s made to move to the States worthwhile. I wanted to have the best grades, have the most successful practice, become a notable author, get a Ph.D., find my husband, and have the most darling children, all by the age of 30. At 31, like 100 people read my blog every new post; I’m single and the mother to the most adorable little pup. I’m nowhere close to where I thought I’d be at this point in my life, especially when it comes to my intimate relationships. I was someone who idealized a relationship. I assumed that real love needed to be this fairytale story, and then, I went to therapy after my divorce and learned what I needed and wanted, not what I thought I should have. An episode of this Prime show, Modern Love, beautifully illustrates what I think about what a relationship requires now. In the episode, which was inspired by true events (as in…..the CREATOR OF HINGE), Joshua, a dating app developer, is being interviewed by Catherine, a journalist, and is asked, “Have you ever been in love?” He proceeds to tell the story of his relationship with Emma. When describing the relationship, they have this interlude:
Joshua: I have this theory that a relationship is kinda like a rocket, and you’re trying to get it into space, and all you need is enough fuel to get you out of the earth’s atmosphere, and then it’ll keep going no matter what you throw at it in the direction it was launched.
Catherine: It’s all about the first explosion.
Joshua: ..and less about do we have what it takes for our whole life and more about that initial thrust.
Enough is taking things one step at a time. “Do I want to see this person again?”, instead of “Can I marry this person?”. Enough is “can I be in this position for a year to learn and grow”, vs. “how can I be in the best position as soon as possible?”. Enough is allowing yourself to get on the rocket instead of expecting to reach the destination according to whoever or whatever deemed that to be the destination.
Enough is also gratitude for what is happening in your life right now. Yes, I’m single, and for the first time in my life, I have a group of friends who know me, love me, and support me no matter what I’m going through. No, I don’t have a booming online audience, and I almost always have one person reach out and tell me how a post has taught them something new. That, for me, is enough.
Having Enough
Finally, it’s important to understand the edge of your capacity. This is tricky for me as I am the queen of tolerance. In many relationships, I have given too much, waited too long, and hoped for too much. Everyone has to have their limits and understanding when you’ve had enough. If you don’t know your limits, you’re essentially undoing the work of building your sense of self and it becomes really hard to be grateful.
Often the capacity question in relationship, work, or moving, becomes, should I stay or should I go? Esther Perel offers to look at the dialectic of things (two opposing truths) and to recognize to what extent we can reconcile these truths and tolerate the gap of reconciliation.
The best way I’ve learned to evaluate these dialectics for myself is to identify my positive“and’s” and my negative “but’s”. If the but’s win out on my and’s then there’s a signal that I may have reached my capacity. Here are some examples of and’s:
And’s:
I’m scared of getting hurt in this relationship, and I feel a strong connection that I don’t want to lose yet.
I don’t know if I see a future, and I want to continue to see this person now.
This person has a complicated family, and I know they are doing what they can to work through their unhealthy dynamics with them.
And you continue until you can’t think of any more “and’s”.
Then you start with the but’s. Some but’s can sound like:
This person understands me, but I don’t trust they can tolerate hard times.
I’m attracted to this person physically, but I don’t feel emotionally connected to them.
I have fun with this person, but their jealousy feels controlling and possessive.
If the but’s objectively seem more harmful and feel more painful than the and’s feel encouraging and worthwhile, it may mean that you’ve reached your capacity to continue to engage in the situation. I’d also invite you to share this list with the people in your life and ask them if any of these sound like an excuse for or against something.
The truth is, we won’t always know with 100% certainty what we’re capable of. More often than not, trial and error is the way to learn about ourselves, build courage, and live more fully. We can’t be afraid to try; otherwise, we’ll never know what’s possible. And if we’ve already explored what’s fully possible, then it might no longer make sense to try.