Hindsight is 2020. Part. 2
You’ve Got the Love
This is by far the most personal and emotionally charged thing I’ve ever written. It’s probably going to be one of the most important things I share and has been up to now the most formative experience of my life. So let’s just get right into it…
6 years ago, I stood at an altar. In front of the people who mattered to me the most, I looked up at the eyes of a man and I pledged my life and my heart to him. I was 21 and believed I was ready to start my life as a wife.
Today, I’m sitting in my 500 sq. foot studio apartment. I’m typing at my dining table, looking out the window, quarantined, and reflecting on the end of my marriage.
I’m going to talk about divorce and I’m also going to talk about the aspects of my marriage that led to me making the decision to end my marriage. However, this is not a smear campaign and I won’t be making out anyone to be the villain or spilling any tea. So if that’s what you’re here for….
The reason I’m writing about this is for my own cathartic healing. I also know there are several women in my life around my age who’ve gotten divorced and the only reason I knew was because of heavy facebook creeping. This is something we don’t like talking about and man, if I had more personal anecdotes or guidance from others, my decision probably would have come sooner and in a healthier way. So, for any woman out there in their 20s or 30s going through the end of their marriage, hell the end of a long-term committed relationship, this is dedicated to you.
My Voice
Before this global pandemic hit, I had already acquired a horrible sense of timeline, so I may be historically off in a few of my accounts, but around two and a half years ago my spouse and I sat down to have a conversation about where our future was headed. For a couple of years, we had touted the ideals of nomadic millennials; “We’re not going to buy a house, that’s stupid”, “Kids? We’ll be happy with or without them!”. As I became more developed in my sense of self, I realized these were ideals we were spouting to cover up the dysfunction and poor decisions that had led to this conversation. I knew I wanted something different, something better for myself and for our marriage. I was tired of living aimlessly as a unit- with only personal purposefulness.
We sat down in the living room of our tiny Atlanta apartment and discussed the goals I wanted to work toward in our marriage. I wanted to knock out our personal debts, I wanted to work towards purchasing a home, and I wanted to get serious about deciding whether or not we’d be having children.
The conversation started well. I asked about my husband’s dreams and desires, his aspirations, and his personal goals. I began to share my desires and the things I’d like to work towards. There was some pushback which at the time seemed fair. These were new goals, a new path I was wanting to walk towards. Verbally it seemed like we were hovering around the same page. Thinking back to that conversation, though, I remembered feeling somewhat uneasy after it was over. We had what seemed like an understanding, but there wasn’t a real plan for change.
Now, I recognize why I felt uneasy. Throughout the span of this relationship, I often was heard but not listened to. I was appeased but not honored. I was given a false sense of contribution. The things my partner was willing to concede on were things that to him didn’t have enough impact or impose on his functioning, making agreement less difficult to achieve.
A few things happened that made this pattern apparent. When I worked with my husband on building his business, a lot of arguments ensued around what was best for the growth of the company. This I could understand; one’s business is personal and not all couples are made to work together. We figured, once I was working as a therapist, the arguments would subside. Later on in our marriage, I continued to ask for us to seek wisdom from a financial professional to help with our financial plans. Afraid of the harsh news we might hear, it took some time for my former partner to follow through in initiating contact. I also commented on the way we filed taxes and that it might negatively impact our potential to purchase a home. These comments were often dismissed with lessons on how taxes worked. It wasn’t until we finally got serious about looking for a house that a mortgage lender found the least offensive way to say, “Ain’t no way, no how, you buying a house right now.” It was so embarrassing. Another sore subject was family planning and how we’d seek support from our respective families. Every time I mentioned moving back to Florida the conversation ended as quickly as it started. Then, tragedy struck in the form of a close relative getting into a severe accident, and in the span of two days, led by my husband’s will, a plan on moving back to Florida was in place. After making the move, there were decisions that needed to be made on big expenditures although only one of us (me) had a steady income. Despite my wishes, he turned down a job and made a large repayment, and put us in a scary financial place.
At this point, I started to wonder what my contribution to the direction of our marriage was if my voice was often dismissed. These unsolvable problems created an impasse in me. It was either forfeiting what I wanted and the value of being respected in my desires or standing my ground and realizing there was no way to get on the same page.
My Needs
We all have basic needs: food, water, shelter, etc. Some people see these needs as rights, others as privileges, but don’t get me started because I will sTaRt MoUnTInG THAT SOAP BOX AND TELL YOU WHAT’S UP.
Just as we are physical beings we are emotional beings as well. As such, there are fundamental emotional needs we require as people. The attachment theory -crucial for understanding human behavior- is one of the most evidence-based theories we have that support the need for nurturance from others. The way we’re nurtured directly impacts our successes in our contributions to the world.
Everyone’s emotional needs are different- based on personality and context- they inform us of who we are at the core. In a relationship, inflexible needs need to be fulfilled consistently in order for both partners to feel fulfilled in their relationship.
I have two inflexible needs in a relationship: to be pursued and to be considered. Pursuit for me looks like an intentional effort for romance, connection, and an expression of appreciation for me and the things I do for the relationship. The keyword for me here is intentional. The act of doing something and fulfilling a requirement does not translate into intentionality in my eyes. So, even though we had a weekly date night, the nature of our date nights became routine and disconnected. We’d talk less, distract more, and often ended our evenings in bed with hardly any physical intimacy. Over time, the lack of romance and romantic pursuit was so apparent in our relationship that attempts at trying to bring the romance back into our relationship seemed to both or either of us disingenuous and even uncomfortable.
As it related to consideration, there also seemed to be a lack of engagement. For me, consideration was feeling as though my SO is thinking about me throughout their day and making active choices that honor and respect my wishes and our goals. Often, when running errands, I’d think about my spouse and grab little treats or sweets that I knew he’d enjoy. Reciprocal gestures were often absent from the relationship and when they were present, it seemed like the expectation was that I offer praise. I also frequently found myself initiating acts of self-service by asking for them because it seemed like the only way I’d be shown active consideration.
Over time, not having either one of my inflexible needs met began to deteriorate my spirits. I became closed off, anxious, judgmental, short, and pessimistic over time. I started to believe that I didn’t deserve these things and that to ask for them was a waste of time. Cycles of fighting and surrendering became the norm until I decided that I was deserving and worthwhile. When I began to look internally and commenced to love myself, I recognized that my spouse was unable or unwilling to fulfill my needs.
My Will
When it came to forfeiting and making sacrifices for the sake of my marriage, I became a pro. But not like, in a good way. Since it seemed that one of the ways I’d most likely be shown affection was by agreeing with or conceding to my spouse’s wishes, I became a martyr for attention. It may seem that martyrdom is a subtle way of patting myself on the back and showing how selfless I was, but it truly made me an insufferable person.
I began to stack and count up interactions. I became needy and self-conscious. I often found myself being unable to express myself well and congruently because I didn’t know who I was. Once I recognized that total selflessness unchecked and unvalued led to me losing myself and my way, I knew things had to change.
Martyrdom does not lend to the health of a relationship and in counseling, my spouse reflected on the distance it created. However, when I started gaining more self-empowerment and fulfillment, there was a sense that he wanted to keep calling back to the martyr narrative in order to keep me responsible or if not more responsible for the dysfunction in our marriage despite my efforts to move past that dynamic.
Once it dawned on me that my hopes for my life (i.e. purchasing a home, having children, feeling close to the important people in my life, feeling confident and secure in myself, and being in a warm, nurturing relationship) were being directly impeded by the nature of our relationship I realized that I couldn’t keep sacrificing my existence and human experience.
I’ve Got the Love
So, after years of cycles of dysfunction, attempts at making changes (i.e. four separate rounds of couple’s counseling), growing apart, and realizing my needs, my voice, and my will were being neglected, I made the decision to start getting individual counseling. I had one goal in mind: to decide whether or not I was going to end my marriage. After 6 sessions, I knew it was time to move forward with ending my marriage. Processing through the last five years of unhealthy patterns in a matter of weeks made it abundantly clear that this relationship was not healthy for me or for my spouse. After several difficult conversations, expressions of vulnerability and forgiveness, and physical separation, we agreed to move forward with pursuing a divorce.
It took some time, but I moved into my own studio apartment. The first couple of weeks were hard. Up until now, I’ve never lived alone. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to support myself, that I was leaving “the one”, and that I wouldn’t have the support I needed to get through this.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
For the rest of this blog series, I’m going to discuss how I’ve picked the pieces back up. I’ve learned to appreciate my time as a married woman, to stand in awe of myself and all that I’ve been through, and to hope for what’s next in my life. I want to share this journey partly because I’m really freaking proud of myself for being brave. I also want to share it with other women who’ve found themselves in similar situations- ones where it’s too good to leave, but bad enough that you don’t know if you can stay.
I’m here to say that whatever direction you’re pulled to, make sure it’s the one that’s congruent and true for you. I chose not to keep living in the good enough when the bad was impeding what I wanted out of life for myself. Since making that choice, I haven’t looked back.
Now, I’m only moving forward.