Hindsight is 2020 Part. 1
I started 2019 writing a blog post about becoming a woman. I felt empowered to take the next steps in my life- to reinforce the person I had become and develop purpose and direction given my stronger identity.
So many others reached out to me and shared how much the post impacted them. I was on cloud 9, ready to take on 2019 with a Khaleesi-type fervor. Well, we all know how that ended….
But, like, what was up with that finale?!
Your girl loves a good hyperbole here and there but I’m not exaggerating when I say that by the end of 2019 my life would literally be completely different- virtually unrecognizable to myself. The picture of my present life has started to come into focus over the last couple of months as I’ve made bold decisions, learned to trust my instincts, and removed myself from external influences.
This is where I start this blog series. As it unfolds, I’ll be sharing a lot about myself and the things I’ve been through this past year. There are limitations to how and what I share due to what I do for a living and the fact that actual people are a part of this narrative but I will be as open and transparent with what I can be. I’ll also be sharing along the way the concepts and tools of therapy that allowed me to get to where I am now. So…um…here goes.
Why Can’t We Be Friends
As I just mentioned 2018 was a big year for me. I grew a lot in my personal expression and in my authenticity and I felt able to tackle bigger life obstacles including addressing conflict and tension in my friendship relationships. I felt like this was important for me to do because I am a recovering people-pleaser. If you looked up the definition of a door mat, yours truly would be grinning back asking if there was anything I could do to help clarify the definition for you.
As a result, I was in several friendship relationships that I felt were disingenuous for several reasons. I either felt like I was the one making an effort of intentionality, or there was a conflict that was never resolved, or there was a pattern of me dismissing hurtful behavior.
In one specific relationship, things came to a head last April. LONG story short, an invitation to spend time together felt disrespected because a request was made on their behalf that felt like an exploitation of my hospitality. After voicing that I will not meet this request, several conversations ensued about respect and consideration that felt like personal attacks. At one point it felt like assumptions were made based on my ethnicity as well as personal attacks on my marriage. This felt like a huge infringement of my boundaries and I felt straight-up disrespected. My previous nature would have been to immediately yield, apologize for saying “no” and hold onto the pain of feeling like I wasn’t valued enough to respect as a person.
However, I stood my ground because I respected myself and felt like it was important to voice my hurt and my desires.
This event helped inform several things that I think are important to keep in mind in friendship relationships.
Set Boundaries
There are a bajillion and fourteen blog posts, books, and podcasts out in the world about setting boundaries with others. Millennials LOVE their boundaries. It’s very much become a buzzword for our generation along with self-care, wokeness, authenticity, and self-awareness.
Before someone comes after me in the comments <——bahahahaha- I’m going to say these are all great concepts and ideas. However, I believe that sometimes we swing so far to the other side of the pendulum that we become too fixated and rigid with these ideals. My clients and some people in my life struggle to find the balance between setting up boundaries and also having grace and understanding for others. So I’m going to encourage a healthier way of setting up boundaries.
First, you have to determine what your boundaries are with friends and WHY. This is the key element here. Identifying why boundaries are important accomplishes two things. First, it allows you to reinforce your self-concept and self-respect because you’re reminding yourself that you matter enough to set boundaries. Secondly, it keeps you aligned with your values and your desires in a relationship.
So, for example, let’s say I have a friend who doesn’t initiate text conversations as much as I do or as much as I’d like. Maybe I have a boundary that states that I will not consistently put in more effort to stay in touch than a friend does. Why does this matter to me? Well, I’m someone who’s intentional and values consistent communication with others because that’s how I feel connected. Great, now I know my why and have an understanding of what I need to address with this friend.
When it comes to addressing this boundary identifying the boundary, sharing the why, and expressing tangible action steps is important.
More often than not, I see people just assume that another person isn’t putting in the effort because they simply don’t care. As a result, they end the relationship and often don’t let the other person know the reasoning for the change in dynamic.
Oftentimes, the actual reasoning is that someone may not be accustomed to engaging in specific types of behaviors. Maybe this friend is not used to being sought out so often because their friends are less intentional.
On the other side of the coin, I see clients and people in my life become resigned to the fact that “this is just how this person is”. This allows the behavior to continue to hurt them, and cause friction in their relationships with others and ultimately in their relationship with themselves.
The balance lies in sharing this boundary with the other person in the relationship, having grace that it might take a minute for adjustments to be made, and championing the other person when they honor and engage in maintaining that boundary.
Understand Thresholds
Now then the question becomes, at what point do I decide that the consistent infringement of boundaries or pattern of negative behaviors requires me to end a friendship relationship? Identifying your threshold in a relationship is just as important as identifying your boundaries. Keeping in mind a threshold of tolerance keeps patterns like co-dependence, negative self-talk, and people-pleasing at bay.
I’ve identified a couple of thresholds for myself:
If I’ve communicated my boundaries to others and the several following opportunities to respect those boundaries are met with disregard then that’s a good indication the relationship isn’t healthy for me. If I see an effort for someone to meet these boundaries but they are inconsistent at first, then I’m willing to be patient.
In some cases, I’ve created time limits for myself. If it takes a few months of having similar conversations and the patterns persist then I may not be able to continue in that relationship.
These thresholds are completely dependent on your tolerance, level of emotional awareness, and bandwidth.
Evaluate Relationships
Occasionally, it’s important to take stock of your current friendship relationships. A great exercise is to list the people in your life and assign them to the categories listed in the image below. First, you have to define what puts someone in each category and then you assign a person to a level.
After doing this, identify why you’ve assigned those in your life to the circles they are in. If you’ve got too many people in one area or people have shifted over time, evaluate what those relationships mean to you and how you want to engage with that person moving forward. Some great questions to ask yourself in evaluating friendships include the following:
How does this person make me feel about myself?
Do I feel like this person supports me in my goals or decision-making?
Do I feel like this person puts in around the same sort of effort that I do in staying connected?
What do I enjoy about this relationship?
Are there things about this relationship I wish I could improve or change? If so, is that because my expectations are too high or because this relationship is in direct conflict with my values?
Friendship relationships are vital in healthy functioning- especially for millennials who have been reported to be the loneliest generation. It’s important to find balance in maintaining healthy boundaries and extending grace in allowing people in our lives to grow and develop with us and for us.