Arrested Development: Growth and Transition in Quarantine
As soon as I got done sharing the day’s art directive, I had 12 sets of eyes looking blankly back of me. I was in the self-esteem psychoeducation group I led every week. Usually, I presented an idea or a concept and then I’d ask my clients to engage in thoughtful discussion around this idea. This session was different in that I had brought in a ton of construction paper, crayons, markers, and colored pencils like a grade school teacher. I could tell they were apprehensive and so I told them I’d participate in order to model the potential insights that could be made in the exercise. I asked them to create a visual representation of how they view themselves in the middle of their current growth experience.
After declaring I’d participate, I got nervous. I’m terrible at drawing. Like I’m not even being funny. No one wants to play Pictionary with me. NO ONE. I sat and thought about what was happening in my life during that season. I was almost done with counseling grad school, I was in intensive marriage counseling, I was working on my health and physical well-being, and I felt like I was on the cusp of a big life change. Then inspiration struck. After the time I had set for the exercise had run out, I was up.
On my paper was a single tulip in the middle of a green field. In the background was a snowy mountain range. Trust me when I say the written description is a lot more poetic than what I drew. At the time, the tulip represented this growth that I was experiencing that no one could see because it was all happening internally. I was alone in my development because I wasn’t brave enough yet to let the growth orchestrate the change I knew was coming into my life.
Today, the picture takes on a whole new meaning. I’ve allowed the internal growth to start manifesting into physical expression and change. Right as I was ready to allow the wildings of the meadow to see how much the tulip had grown, everything changed. It wasn’t safe to be out in the world anymore.
I know I’m not alone in this experience- the memes alone are proof. It would probably take all about three minutes of scrolling to find a meme about how we hoped 2020 was going to be and how it’s actually turning out to be. For those who were ready to shed their transition and begin anew or for those in the middle of transition due to ending a relationship, starting a new life role, or experiencing a loss, this quarantine has felt extra painful. Here are a few ways I’m learning to cope with it for myself.
Experience
There is a lot that I am hella scared of in the middle of all this. Any time I pull up my news app or see a shared article on Facebook about this mess I want to sink further into isolation.
While I’m afraid for the physical well-being of myself and my loved ones, I’m scared of losing financial security, of losing the momentum I had built around providing for and taking care of myself, and of losing the momentum in relationships I’ve started or have re-engaged in. I’m scared I won’t be able to live freely and at peace or that the emotional trauma will create permanent fears. I’m terrified of not being able to experience loss within the comfort of others. I mean, the list goes on and on. Fear is a very prevalent emotion being experienced right now- along with grief, anger, and anxiety.
The self-help images and messages being shared online recognize some of these emotions but often encourage us to quickly dismiss them. The intention is sound- many of these emotions are not going to serve us fruitfully in the middle of this mess, however, they are indicating something important.
The fear is pointing to the things I care about: my family, my relationships, and my desire for connection and movement forward. It’s showing me how much I care about myself and how badly I’m wanting to live my life to its fullest potential.
We can use these emotions to create meaning and tack onto the things that matter vs. the things that kept us from experiencing growth in the first place. Having meaning rooted in our experiences allows us to make decisions about what’s best and most congruent for us.
In the midst of transition, we usually skip this step because we want the transition to be over as quickly as possible. However, letting ourselves fully experience the emotions allows us to work through the transition and towards growth instead of just ramming past it. So when you’re experiencing these emotions, ask yourself, “what are these emotions pointing to that can teach me about what I care about and what I want out of this?”
Let yourself, healthily, feel the feels.
Express
After allowing yourself to process what these emotions are indicating, share your experience with your loved ones. I’ve always been a pretty direct and honest person but asking for help or volunteering for vulnerability in relationships themselves has always been hard for me. In the middle of my recent life transitions, I’ve had the most help and have been the most direct than I ever have been, and my relationships have never been deeper.
Once we had to quarantine, I was worried the depth I had created or was starting to create in relationships would diminish because of the lack of physical presence. The opposite has actually occurred. Now that there aren’t as many distractions, I’ve had to rely on connection, vulnerability, and openness to cultivate my relationships. The relationships that have thrived have been the ones where just talking and keeping each other company from afar has felt sufficient for the time being. They are the relationships that when all of this and said and done I want to continue to be intentional with despite having more freedom.
This is the time to have some conversations that maybe we’ve maybe neglected to have. This is the opportunity to allow yourself to connect deeply with others and express yourself fully.
In conversation, I’m usually the one that asks questions or the one that checks in on how others are doing. Now, I’m allowing myself the space to volunteer my own thoughts and am asking others to check in on me. I’ve never felt more authentic in my form of self-expression than I do now. I feel like I’m continuing to reinforce who I am. In the middle of transition and isolation, it feels absolutely freeing to know that I’m growing more confident in myself.
Expect
Yesterday I sat down with my journal and I allowed myself to just dream and hope for the things on the horizon that have had to be pushed back because of all of this. There were some upcoming events that I was somewhat nervous about, due to the fact that I was in the middle of a crazy transition. But now, after feeling more sturdy in myself and after giving myself an opportunity to reconnect and share with others, I’m so excited for my future self and the joy I’ll be able to feel when these experiences finally can occur.
I wrote down all the places I want to travel to, the game nights I want to have with my friends, and the moments I want to share with people I care about. I reflected on the things I’ve gone through in the recent few years and I am sad for past me. Currently, going through a transition in isolation is hard and at times nerve-wracking, but I know it’ll all be worth it when I get to experience the joy the future has in store.
It can feel like this time of social distancing and quarantine in placing a giant hold on life transition and growth. However, if we allow ourselves the opportunity to engage in loving kindness and really get into our self-development, we’ll be better versions of ourselves when we’re able to come out and play again.