The Millennial Struggle for Achievement

A good girlfriend of mine, who also happens to be a bomb therapist, co-facilitates a group for young women with me. We talk about EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, from reactions to "Look What You Made Me Do" to our favorite kind of take-out foods, every other Wednesday night in my little downtown group room. 

On paper, it sounds like we're just a group of glamorous females pouring over great conversation and every flavor of La Croix. But once the small talk is done and we've all settled down from laughing about the different types of man-buns we've seen being sported out and about, ish gets real and fast.

A theme that has continually made its way into the atmosphere of the room is an achievement and the idea of being successful. It turns out that while the generations before us believe we're getting brunch every day before we walk out into the world with our cute hats and oversized cardigans, most of us are frantically figuring out how to get on our feet, financially, relationally, and emotionally. 

A few months ago, I wrote about the Quarter-Life Crisis and its legitimacy. With the next three posts, I'd like to dig deeper into why this crisis is so prevalent in the millennial generation and what we can do to support each other. 

We're like really good at everything...

Or at least that's what we're told. We have SO MANY options. Too many options. We have the world at our fingertips and it seems like making the wrong decision could forfeit the endless possibilities of a potentially better more successful rom-com kind of life. Talk about some intense FOMO. I've mourned the lives of Edi as an actress, Edi as a teacher, Edi as a lawyer, and Edi as a nurse practitioner because at one time or another those were the aspirations I had. I had the support and could pursue the education -- doe it was about to cost lots of $$$ -- all it would take-according to the world- was me working towards it. Well, Edi, the actress didn't get the callback, the teacher was not such a fan of working with a ton of kids at once, and the lawyer was not interested in taking on a year of torts no matter how much Elle Woods was an inspiration to her, and the nurse practitioner didn't get into nursing school. In my junior year of college I felt like a FAILURE. 

That word infiltrates the minds of a lot of young people, especially young women like myself. Think about the last time you hung out with a group of people you were only acquainted with. You probably went around a circle introducing yourself to each other and heard things like "I'm a #femaleboss," or "I started a brand marketing company," or "I travel around the world and take pictures of orphanages to bring awareness to how disgusting the world of consumerism actually is," and then it's your turn and you're like, "I'm a student," or "I'm a teacher," the look of horror reflecting back. It's one for the movies.

We do TOO much as a generation because we're told we're TOO good. Then we have to fight with that expectation which leads to imposter syndrome. This phenomenon basically points to the fear that we are "faking" our lives. Many young adults struggle with this phenomenon, including helping professionals like myself. You know you've encountered some form of imposter syndrome if you've ever thought to yourself,  "I'm not capable of doing this" or "Who gave me the authority to do this; I'm nobody special". So to cope, we think of all the achievements we need to acquire in order to seem legitimate, otherwise, someone will eventually tear off the mask and call us a fraud. This will push young adults to take on A LOT--more on that in a second-- like owning several businesses, be world-class travelers, running in several social circles, networking until they drop to the ground, and feeling compelled to tell everyone about their achievements along the way. When it's all said and done, we're--I'm-- exhausted. I can barely feed my cats--AND THEY'RE CATS- consistently let alone juggle a million and two things. 

Chill with the Extracurriculars

I mean really. We heard our mothers complain about the many practices, recitals, and tutoring sessions they took us to, only for us to turn around and go to yoga in the park, make our own almond milk, network daily, only shop thrift, and have a healthy dating life. We fill up our calendars to the brim and then wonder why we feel like we've gotten nothing accomplished. We feel tired, but we don't feel productive. I know this to be the case for me when my To-Do list looks like an instruction manual for building a rocket ship. When I stress myself like that, I tend to eat way more unhealthy, ditch the exercise, and look to Bachelor in Paradise for emotional support. 

When individuals seek to accomplish tasks with vigor, take on more than their fair share, deny their limitations, and put 100% into everything, they are highly susceptible to burnout. A feeling akin to "moving through the motions." According to a Psychology Today Article, the genius-and-a-half that coined this phenom compared individuals who experience burnout to a house that was set on fire, stating these individuals' "inner resources are consumed as if by fire, leaving a great emptiness inside."

The article goes on to share an excerpt from Dr. Herbert Freudenberger's book in which he breaks down burnout: 

"As we pile layer on layer, the weight bows us under. We begin to make excessive demands on ourselves, all the time draining ourselves of energy. To compensate for the weakness, the burning out we feel, we develop a rigidity. Things must be just so ... to maintain our position, we must constantly excel. Unfortunately, the harder we try, the more we impair our efficiency. About the only thing we succeed in doing is burning ourselves out more." (pp. 5-6)

Um..........

Way to speak into my life Dr. Hamburger...mmm...focus! Freudenburger. Burnout, as it turns out, is not great for you. It leads to exhaustion, detachment, boredom and cynicism, impatience and heightened irritability, a sense of omnipotence, a suspicion of being unappreciated, paranoia, disorentation, psycosomatic complaints, depression and denial of feelings (When Life Loses Meaning, 2011). Raise your hand if you've experienced any of those lately as a result of trying to #RunTheWorld

Avoid Burnout 

Recently, I started using the self-journal. I'm low-key obsessed with it. It's a goal-oriented planner/journal that helps you track THREE GOALS, pay close attention to that number and how far it is from zero. Three goals, not 10, not 25, but three. This was so liberating for me. Because the truth is, it's impossible that you're going to have your perfect #squad, look like Gigi Hadid, have a perfect work/life balance, be completely mentally healthy, have no past issues with family or relationships, and love everything that you do. 

It taught me to just look at three things that could be accomplished in 13 weeks. I chose a number of weekly appointments goal, a weight-loss goal, and a debt repayment goal. Those are my three focus areas over the next 13 weeks. This feels more attainable than becoming the next Brene Brown or starting my own cat therapy clinic. 

Not only am I setting myself up to avoid burnout, but I'm also avoiding the stinging sensation that comes into my body at the end of the night when I ask myself, "What am I actually doing with my youth ... with my life?" I can answer back in a whisper, "I'm achieving my goals." 

Here's the link for the self-journal which goes into detail about their philosophy and why it works.

P.S. I'm not sponsored or anything, I just love this product. 

A Shift in Perspective

Take a second to define for yourself what it actually means to achieve something. This was honestly, incredibly difficult for me. Achievement is still something I struggle with because I can't seem to find a definition of what I achieve in a vacuum. In other words, I'm constantly struggling to not compare myself to others when it comes to achievement. However, slowly, and I mean very incrementally < SELF-PLUG, I've come to see that achievement for me is just having a sense that I didn't waste a whole day of my existence as a human being. Therefore, if I got a few things done and felt like I did good work with my clients, then it was a good day in which I achieved something. I think the idea of the "grand achievement"-starting a business, changing legal policy, etc.- overwhelms us and we get stuck in not knowing how to take the next step. This is especially true for young adults. We are told "you are the future," and "you can change the way the world looks." Like, I'm sorry, but that's a big effing task to put onto someone who's barely keeping themselves fed a well-balanced diet. If we were to shift our perspective on what achievement looked like, then the little steps to the big dream wouldn't seem so daunting or tedious. I am one to want to get to the end goal NOW. On top of that, I would also paralyze myself with the fear that once I got there, it wouldn't be what I truly wanted. I can't accomplish anything with that mindset. So I might as well shift it because it ain't doing me any favors. 

So, what does it mean for you to achieve?