Living Your #BestLife

Dah eff does that even mean? If you take a second to hashtag search #bestlife you'll notice many photos with meticulously placed hairs, non-smeared lipstick, and sun-kissed skin. The phrase has been associated with workout photos of thin women in front of beautiful landscapes, or a group of friends hanging out at a nice club. The idea of living our best lives has been commercialized into lifestyle ideals that aren't accessible to most people. 

In previous blogs, I've discussed the nature of achievement, the struggle of maintaining good self-care, and the quarter-life crisis. All of these topics are directly impacted by the comparison trap. This notion that in order to be accepted, you have to poise yourself to be a charming, athletic, career-driven, sexual, affluent, city-liver entrepreneur, is causing a number of young people experiencing anxiety or depression to skyrocket. The idea of the comparison trap is not new. Countless books and studies have been produced to show the exact toll that the phenomenon has on others. You don't have to go outside and look across to the street to see where you stand compared to others -- all you have to do now is scroll.

With the beginning of a new year (which, what the hell? How is it 2018 already? *existential crisis*), comparison is something we're even more vulnerable to experiencing. Everyone is sharing their goals, reposting their greatest accomplishments, and sharing announcements of engagement, new jobs, moves, or expectations of a little baby. Like for realsies, people I knew when I was a teenager are creating small clones of themselves.

It's incredibly easy to get caught up in how much your "kinda OK" life doesn't even look like a smidge of their #bestlife. I've noticed within myself how quick I am to roll my eyes at an announcement or quickly scroll past a cute picture. The comparison trap has not only robbed us of the ability to be content with where we are, it's also stolen our ability to celebrate and be happy for one another. So then we compare ourselves even more and become more irritable and distant toward one another. Then -- BAM! WORLD WAR, MOTHA EFFIN, NUMBA 3. Deep relationships? Forget it. Connecting with others? Nope. Ability to cope with anxiety ...

My bet is, if we did a few things to adjust the way we thought about ourselves and how we relate to others and their successes, we could be content with exactly where we find ourselves in the here and now. This could be your #BestLife

Genuinely Celebrate Others

Next time someone you have some legit #bestlifeenvy of posts something exciting about a new career move or a relationship milestone, don't just "like it" for the sake of trying to "be the better person," comment on it. Ask questions like, "How did you work towards this?" or "How does it feel to reach this milestone?" Start a conversation with someone whose posts make you squirm inside. You'll come to learn that they probably reached this milestone in the same way you have or hope to reach yours. Most people work hard for what they accomplish. What better way to remove them from the pedestal they probably would rather not be on and have real conversations about their growth vs. just witnessing it distantly from a screen? Pictures are meant to capture moments. Conversations capture growth. Social media has made it seem like anything that happens outside of the pictures or videos posted #didnthappen or is part of some secret private club that no one can talk about.

Genuinely Celebrate Yourself

After patting yourself on the proverbial back for celebrating others, take some time to recognize what you've got going for yourself. This is the hardest thing for me to do. Over the past five months, I've been dealing with a chronic sinus infection. I went to several different doctors, got back several different diagnoses, and at one point was borderline traumatized when a doctor nonchalantly disclosed that I could have cancer. I did not feel like I was living my best life. However, within that time, my private practice grew, friendships solidified, and my marriage strengthened. For all intents and purposes, I was receiving everything I wanted. I just kept looking at these achievements through what we counselors call a negative filter. In the same time span, both my husband's car and mine were hit and needed repairs, we had some unexpected large purchases to make, we moved, my family in both Miami and Puerto Rico had to deal with the wrath of Hurricane Maria, and an evil Cheeto-man made continuous attempts at getting us all killed. 

I kept focusing on those justifiably stressful life hurdles. Because I kept looking at them versus over them, I was straight up trippin'.
 

When we remove this negative-filter by focusing on the things that are going well in our lives, we have more grace for ourselves and a lot more motivation to keep moving forward. Getting stuck in what others have or what's expected for us keeps the comparison trap hamster wheel going. What would it look like if we just made it stop?

Well, hopefully not like that. 

Decide What #bestlife Looks Like for You

There could be a chance that you're genuinely celebrating yourself and others and find that your relationships don't look the way you want them to, or you're not where you want to be financially or in your career. Instead of getting bogged down by the negative filter and comparison trap, identify the direction your life needs to take in order for you to feel like you're living your #bestlife. 

For me, it was getting back into drum lessons after letting work and personal stuff get in the way of my self-care. For you, it may be identifying your needs in the first place. A good place to start is to ask yourself, "What do I really want and what's the healthiest way for me to get there?" Another good question could be, "What do I really need, and what's the healthiest way for me to satisfy those needs?" Let these answers be a compass and come back to them whenever you start to compare, negative-filter, or stray from your desires. 

Share What it Took to Get There

This one is pretty simple. Help reduce the probability that someone will compare themselves to you or negative-filter their life by sharing how you got to your current #bestself and be real with it. Don't be afraid to include the good, the bad, and the ugly.