Coping Ahead for the Holidays
Some of us love when the holiday music starts playing in the stores, the holiday movies begin to air, and the air becomes colder and dryer. Some people hate it. Whatever side of the Holiday Spirit Spectrum you lie on, this season usually comes with engaging with family, friends, and colleagues in more intimate and intentional ways. For some of us, we're excited about seeing our loved ones soon and for others, the idea of going home or having people visit is less than desirable.
Many of my clients experience the latter and have the desire to figure out how to effectively deal with the potential conflicts and tension that come with spending time with people they'd rather not see during a time that's supposed to be merry and bright. Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy offers some hope for coping with emotional situations through a four-step process. I've applied this to my life personally and have seen its effectiveness and I wanted to share the technique with those gearing up for a rough holiday season.
Describe the situation that will elicit a strong emotional response.
In this step, Marsha encourages clients to be specific and use factual information only. That means not adding judgments like, "My stupid shite-for-brains cousin is bringing her ass-hat husband to dinner" and rather remaining objective about the situation. Removing the judgments and subjectivity allows for emotions that could cause trouble to stay at bay.
Ex. I'll be going home for the holidays and will be seeing family members/friends that I've had difficult interactions with in the past.
Decide what coping skills you will use or how you'd like to solve the problem in this situation.
I've mentioned coping skills in previous posts such as mindfulness, naming, and "anding". The list of coping skills is extensive and problem-solving techniques can also run the gamut. Do a bit of a Google search for coping skills, or imagine how you may want someone to solve a problem with you. I've found that when the coping/problem-solving skill we use feels natural to us, it's easier to commit to doing it when the going gets crap.
Ex. Since I really want to see my niece, brother, mother, and father, I'm going to commit to avoiding deep discussions with my ass-hat cousin-in-law. If he starts talking to me, I'm going to politely excuse myself by saying, "Excuse me, I just got the urge to hold my niece again," and remove myself from the situation. If I have to converse with him for whatever reason, and can't use the adorable baby as a bail-out, then I will respond politely and vaguely and let him speak his ass-hat language until I can find an alternative legitimate excuse (i.e. wanting to have a stare off the contest with previously mentioned adorable babe).
Imagine the situation. Vividly.
Ya'll, I'm a sucker for visualization exercises. Living in the fantasy land for a few minutes is sometimes so helpful and necessary. Take some time to imagine yourself in the current moment being in an emotionally difficult situation. Get specific. Get weird with it. Picture some stuff that you wouldn't even notice when you're actually in the situation, like what people are wearing, or what the decor looks like. The more details, the more familiar it will feel when you're in that situation and therefore the easier it'll be to go into the mindset of using coping skills.
Ex. I'm picturing myself coming into the house, taking off my coat, and setting it on the bench that rests next to the stairs. I walk into the living room and see my precious niece wearing the most adorable reindeer sweater. I see my brother and his wifey looking presh as always. I pour myself a glass of wine from the bar behind the couch and hear the door open. I hear my cousin's voice and instantly feel anger. I feel the warmth in my cheeks as I want to crush this glass and karate chop them both simultaneously. They walk in and immediately hug the family. They leave me for last. Ass hat cousin smiles at me and asks, "What's up? Still slaving away for the corporate monsters you call friends?". I smile back, inside I want to pull his teeth out one by one. Outside I reply, "Still working at my PR firm, thanks for asking".
Rehearse in your mind what coping effectively would look like
Run the gamut of potential situations that could arise. Rehearse what you would say, how you would say it, and what coping skills you'd use as if this was your job and you were crushing it on the daily.
Ex. Uh-oh, Ass hat and shite-for-brains brought their chihuahua, which I hate. She asks me to walk it and everyone else is preoccupied. I say, "You know, I'm feeling a little under the weather and don't want to go back outside. Would it be okay if I passed this time?". Cousin puts on a stupid look on her face and walks away muttering something under her breath. I turn around and grab some chips and give myself a mental pat on the back for not"accidentally" leaving the door open, "accidentally" throwing food out the door, and "accidentally" letting the dog get out.
While these examples seem silly and over-the-top, I do believe that this technique of coping ahead could be useful if you know that you might be in an emotionally provoking situation this holiday season. Instead of fearing the worst and dreading the inevitable tense interactions that come with some relatives being around, make coping ahead a game. See how good you are at keeping your chill, and then reward yourself with something soothing like a message or solo date night (taking yourself out for dinner and a movie).
Also....Happy Holidays! May this season be merry and void of trips to the hospital, broken hearts, and/or constant returns at the store because you got some crap presents.