A Second Chance
Hi! I’m Edi. If you’re new here, I’m a 32 year-old mental health counselor. I like to say I write about all things mental health but truthfully the subject matter that’s taken up most of my blog is the one that’s occupied the bulk of my brain space these last few years: relationships. Specifically, of the romantic variety.
If anyone should know how to be good at love and relationships, it should be me. I literally have a Master’s in emotions. Training in interpersonal effectiveness. And yet love for me has been…….a certifiable shit show.
I’ve been married. I’ve been divorced. I’ve been in situationships, friends with benefits, serious relationships, and long distance relationships. I’ve waited to heal before dating. I’ve jumped right in after ending a relationship. I’ve had my hot girl summer. I’ve been hearthbroken. And I’ve been single. A LOT.
Some would call me a serial dater. Others may use the term hopeless romantic. Some would just say hopeless. I mean, I’ve literally lost a friendship over my dating life. All of this to say: love has not come easy for me.
And it’s not just me (thankfully, lol)- the same can be said for many of my friends, clients, and fellow millennials. For several reasons, dating and navigating intimate relationships has become quite difficult for folks of our generation and younger. We live in a world where matching on Hinge gives us the same dopamine hit as clicking checkout on a full Amazon cart. We also live in a world where we get the same feelings of despair when we doom scroll as we do when all of our likes are less than ideal candidates.
Because of dating burnout, more and more singles have reported losing interest in dating all together. Instead, finding comfort in being busy, prioritizing work and other social realtionships in order to avoid dating. While studies are showing the decline in a desire for coupling, the research still strongly suggests that the happiest people are those who have deep and meaningful relationships. And in Western society, intimate relationship is about as deep as you can go.
Many of my clients come to me searching for answers trying to find the motivation or desire to date and do so successfully. Many of my clients see themselves in the future wanting to have a life partner or partners but don’t know what’s required today to get to that road. Others find themselves, like myself, in and out of relationships and trying to decipher what’s causing these relationships to end.
I’ve been slowly working out the answers to these questions and writing my findings as I find my way to committed and lifelong partnership. With each relationship, I’ve gotten a deeper understanding of myself, the expectations of society, and what it takes to be in a healthy and committed relationship. Today, I find myself in just that. And as I reflect on what it’s taken to get here, one very literal and metaphoric notion screams out at me. True love deserves another chance.
As I alluded in my last blog, I felt a significant shift in me after another relationship ended in the Spring. The lessons I’d been learning all clicked at once and I felt very clear and grounded in the reality of dating.
I started spending more time with one of my good friends. We dated briefly last year and the feelings of attraction and curiosity were always there. It was clear we both had some healing and growing to do, so in order to protect our friendship, we made the decision to stay friends. I watched him date. He watched me date. And our friendship continued to grow. I found myself wanting to try again. Something in me felt certain that the person I wanted to spend life with was someone I already knew. Call it a hunch. Call it God. Or call it a burning desire to never touch a dating app again in my life.
After a few more hangouts and realizing how much I disliked hearing him talk about dating other women, I put my feelings out there. He was hesitant at first, and I was scared. We eased into spending time together in a romantic context but once we realized what was really there, we allowed for our feelings to blossom. Now I can happily and certainly say I’m in love with my best friend and excited to continue to build our lives together.
And while our romantic relationship is technically still new, I feel more safe, stable, and secure in this relationship than I have before. So much so that even if it were to end for whatever reason, I feel certain about what true love is and how it should feel.
Usually I include different steps or points for attunement when it comes to developing a strong sense of sense or healing from something but today I just have one:
Try Again
Now, it’s not that simple. In no way am I telling you to run to your phone and text your toxic ex after two months of no-contact that you want to try again. I don’t mean, get back on the apps and start sending the same “hey’ message to everyone who fits your “type”. I don’t mean, continue to repeat the same patterns and hope to yield something different. That’s the literal definition of insanity.
Here’s what I mean when I say try again.
Once More, With Feeling
As a theatre kid, I heard this phrase several times in my life. The phrase is used during the rehearsal period. When you’re rehearsing a scene, dance, or any other kind of performance you might just be “marking it” and not doing it full out. Often performers do this to reserve their energy. The problem is, marking can become habitual and then it can be hard to break from the habit of marking. This is where a good director will come in and say “once more, with feeling”. This essentially helps break the performer from the habit and allows them to connect to the performance wholeheartedly.
This is an approach I think we could apply to several aspects of life, especially in dating. Because of dating burnout and experiencing past hurts in dating, we have a tendency to mark our dating lives.
We don’t fully engage for fear of looking too eager. We don’t show vulnerability for fear of getting hurt.
As a result, people only get parts of ourselves and it’s often only the parts we feel we can control and protect. There’s a reason why ghosting is so prominent in our dating culture. We don’t fully allow for potential connection to turn into attachment and because things feel so surface level we don’t feel bad when we ghost people. We completely have removed the honor that comes with making the effort of putting ourselves out there. As a result, decorum, consideration, and respect goes completely out the window.
When I first started dating my now boyfriend last year, I wasn’t fully removed from a situationship. I had walls up and wanted to continue to explore other options because it felt too overwhelming at the time to commit fully to one person. So when he mentioned exclusivity early on in our courtship, I freaked out. I deluded myself into thinking the only way to be sure was to keep my options open- afraid of making another mistake.
And while everything happens for a reason and I believe the timing of our way back to each other was perfect, I can’t help but wonder how much heartache I would have saved and happiness I might have gained had I taken the leap of faith to try with full commitment and with no fear.
I often pose this quetion to my clients: If you put everything into this, regardless of the outcome, could you walk away proud that you gave it all you had, or would you regret not walking into vulnerability and allowing for the opportunity to have someone see all of you?
I believe to be the most authentic version of yourself and to actually give dating a try, you need to feel like you have shown up fully committed to the process of dating and being vulnerable. If you so that, dating will always work. You’ll either get confirmation that this is your person or you’ll learn they are not.
Dust yOurself off and Try Again
I often say that there’s no greater pain in this world than heartbreak.
I often joke at how awful my boyfriend’s IG algorithm is. The most random videos show up on his FYP. Just the other day he showed me a video where an “artist” approached a square block of concrete in the middle of the room, hung to the side of it for a minute, stepped down, put on their coat and left the room. AND PEOPLE CLAPPED FOR THAT. That video was followed up by someone bailing on a skateboarding trick and breaking several bones. I don’t understand boys sometimes.
All that to say, I would rather be subjected to his FYP for the rest of my life than to be heartbroken again. Heartbreak freaking sucks.
Unfortunately, heartbreak is part of the dating process. Instead of using these opportunities to build resilience and learn about ourselves and others, we allow hurt to create walls. We retreat into our holes and we feign independence, busyness with work, and indifference as a way to keep ourselves out of contention for finding a meaningful relationship.
We believe we’re protecting ourselves but truthfully, all we are doing is prolonging the joy of being intimately known.
Instead of retreating, I believe we should take the time to pick ourselves up from heartbreak, learn from our wounds, and work to apply those lessons to trying again with open hearts but healthy boundaries. Instead of trying to test or punish others, we should engage with cautious optimism.
Trying again in my relationship was scary at first. While we were able to overcome our past hurts and maintain a solid friendship, we understood that this time around wouldn’t be the same. As a result, we treaded carefully. Always being open about how we were feeling and working to communicate and sharing those anxieties and fears with one another.
We tended to the wounds while learning from our mistakes from the past and giving the other space to try again with grace and understanding. And it’s honestly the best decision I’ve made in my life thus far.
So whether it’s with someone new, or with someone who you think may actually be ready for a second try, give love another chance. But do so with feeling, vulnerability, and trust that you can handle the heartbreak if it means finding true love.