Love Lessons in Legos
If you know me, you know I love Harry Potter. I grew up with the characters, waited in line for the movie releases, and am now a pass holder for the Universal theme parks. I spend most of my time enjoying a pumpkin pasty and Witch’s Brew while I wait for the Gringott’s dragon to let out a nice shot of fire-spresso.
Over the last year I’ve acquired three different Harry Potter Lego sets all of which are attached to a boy in my life. And during each build, something was happening in each of those relationships that as I look back on, I realize symbolized more than just a still plastic moment from the book franchise.
Now as I look up at my desk/Harry Potter shrine, I look at each of these sets and see the lessons printed in each little Lego block. They are lessons that I believe have helped me realize what it takes to be ready for a lasting relationship.
Learn Who You Are
The first boy behind one of my little Lego sets, we already know and love. He was the main character of the blog post I wrote last year on healing heartbreak. As a refresher, I was in a full-blown situationship with this person- a common relational experience that young singles are facing today. He gifted me this set of Legos for my birthday. The gift bag was addressed with my full name. A marker of deep intimacy as no one calls me by my given name other than family and childhood friends. At my birthday party, things escalated and we revisited the nature of our relationship which was as previously mentioned, complex. He ended up leaving. I ended up crying. The following morning I built that set in my bed while I watched Pride and Prejudice and wondered how someone who knew me so well and seemed to care for me could quickly set me aside. During and immediately after this relationship, I cast most of the blame on him. A year later, seeing this set next to the other two, I knew I was responsible as well.
What is so alluring about situationships is that there’s no pressure to try and be someone you’re not. There’s no expectation because someone has made it clear that a romantic relationship is not developing. That gave me the freedom to explore who I was. In the thick of this relationship, I experimented with my clothing, I went out more and tried different things, I let my thoughts flow wildly and freely and let the structure of lack of commitment illude me into thinking things weren’t going to hurt as bad since I knew what the writing on the wall said.
The pros: I got to develop and explore who I was with little judgment and no pressure to be someone else to make this person want to be with me. The cons: my heart was broken when it was all said and done. I would be lying if I said I could have done without the messy entanglement. And while relationships as we will continue to see throughout this post, are meant to teach us lessons, there are ways we can develop our sense of self outside of romantic relationships.
Therapy is one of those ways. Working with a good directive counselor who can guide and confront aspects of self that need changing is crucial to self-development outside of romantic relationships. Surrounding yourself with good people, who see you for who you are can help you grow without having to constantly question your development of self in a relationship. After years of rebuilding my life, I now have a strong support system that knows me at my core. They see my heart and reinforce that my value lies in who I am and not what I do for others. There are also amazing resources out there. One of them, my favorite, is a book called Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon which is centered around developing self-knowledge and compassion to be able to love others better as well.
Heal Your Wounds
This most recent Valentine’s Day I found myself in a committed relationship. The Lego Dobby was my Valentine’s Day gift. I built it the following day after breaking from sessions and remember thinking it was so cute and excited for more Valentine’s Day with this person in the future.
However, our relationship ended up mirroring a lot of the issues found in my marriage. I often felt a lack of engagement from my partner. I felt like I had to focus most of my attention on them and felt like there was little space for my life. As a result, a lot of my old attachment wounds resurfaced. I found myself pushing for validation, forcing emotional intimacy, and making myself smaller for the sake of the relationship. In the midst of all of this, I was dealing with some health issues.
When the relationship ended, the communication breakdown, my health, and my familial background were all used as justifications for ending the relationship. Never in my life had I felt more unloveable than I did when this relationship ended. I’ve had exes say some horrible things as I’ve ended relationships. I’ve been told I would never be able to find what I want. I’ve been told that I was not going to have a good life. I’ve doubted myself when I’ve been the one to end the relationship. I questioned if I wanted too much. But after all of those situations, I was hopeful. I could bounce back. This breakup, though, was a direct hit to the heart and my core belief. Being told “I don’t want to do the work. You are too much”, felt like the Dementor’s kiss. My soul left my body.
Thankfully with the help of therapy and my friends, I’ve settled in the truth of the outcomes of this relationship. I’m not too much. My anxiety got in the way sometimes and it probably will again in my life. No one is perfect and the later we wait to settle down with someone, the more baggage we’re going to come with. I was so scared that I was burdening this person with my load but when I look back at little Dobby and recall his mission to protect his friends, after being so mistreated for who knows how long, I acknowledge that I’ve done so much work to hold my load without expecting someone else to have it. I’ve learned that what I want is someone who isn’t scared of what I have come with and who sees how far I’ve come despite the massive challenges I’ve had in my life.
This leads me to Lego set number three.
Lower Your Expectations, Not Your Standards
I was having a really bad day the day that set number three was built. I called one of my closest friends and I asked if he wanted to build some Legos with me. I had seen a specific set online that I wanted. It was the most complex of the three, showcasing Grimmauld Place, the home of Harry’s Godfather Sirius Black. The set was at the Disney Lego Store about 40 minutes away. My friend knew I was going through it, and despite being an introvert and having a day of solitude planned, agreed to come with me. We had dinner, bought the set, came back and watched the movies while we built it together. This memory hit me like a ton of bricks today- pun intended.
I recalled it because this friend has been on my mind a lot lately. We’ve been friends for over a year, and even had a brief interlude in which we dated. I cited incompatibility issues for why things wouldn’t work, but there was more happening for both of us at the time. For me, I was blinded by the hope I had with birthday boy. What I didn’t mention before but what I know for certain when it comes to situationships, is that you’re actually protecting yourself from real pain when you enter into a relationship you know is not viable. And the birthday boy offered those things that were more illusionary than reality. I expected to be aligned on all the same things, and have the same exact goals and preferences in life, which is what I saw in Dobby Boy. I expected someone to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from all that I’ve gone through. And those expectations are frankly, really f***ing ridiculous.
These expectations were keeping me from what was in front of me. As I look at the brown London townhome made of little bricks, I think of the foundation my friend and I have built. This person has seen me through the thick of me and is there for me with no hesitation. There are some beliefs we differ in. Some of the things we take pleasure in are difficult for the other to understand and yet there’s an acceptance and endearment in those differences. He makes me laugh, holds physical and emotional space if I cry, and delights in the little moments of play we have with each other. He knows what comes with being a counselor and the eldest daughter in a Hispanic family and understands my culture. In my head, and sometimes what’s fueled by society is that as women in heterosexual relationships, we have to expect grand gestures or for someone to be able to read our mind and anticipate at any given moment what we need. We want them to be rich, handsome, charming, sweet, kind, sexy, protective, dominant, in the exact way that doesn’t give us an ick or allow them space to be human. I’d be lying if I said these weren’t some expectations that I was holding on to as a strong, independent woman.
Reflecting on my relationship with this friend, I see each one of these characteristics- they were grounded in a real person who also has flaws. After everything I’d been through and getting reinforced by social media on what women these days deserve, I built an unrealistic image of what a man should be.
My standards haven’t changed though. Wanting to be treated with respect, having emotional intimacy, finding compatibility in life goals, and having similar values are all standards we should hold in a relationship. But when it comes to expecting exactly what each moment, interaction, and milestone should look like, we’ve got it all wrong. Especially when we live in a false narrative that someone better is just one swipe or click away.
Hope in the Timing
The timing was off when hopes for a romantic relationship in this friendship were presented. It’s the one relationship I wish ended differently. And I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know now that timing is everything. Growing, and understanding who we are and what we want is a crucial development point that needs to intersect with someone who can meet us in a similar plane. For all of it to align requires something short of a miracle and all we can do is work to be the best version of ourselves when our paths cross with the best version of someone who makes us smile, feel safe, and comfortable with. It’s important to put yourself out there and recognize that while something “better’ can be around the corner, the opportunity for “right now” is also good. Love takes time to build, nurture, to develop and we’ve gotten so comfortable with wanting things to be fast and easy.
My hope is that we can be intentional with our self-development so that love can work its’ magic.