Challenging Self-Doubt

Part of my job as a therapist is to facilitate a core group of clients every day. This group has become extremely close, calling each other out on their bullcaca, supporting each other through tough times, and using each other as a sounding board. On Mondays, they have the opportunity to process issues they're having in treatment or in their lives, and over the past few weeks the issues of self-esteem and self-confidence have continually come up. They ask each other questions like, "How do I build higher self-esteem?" Or, "How can I practice self-love?" And, "Why do I hate myself so much?" While we made great headway in these conversations, I kept feeling like we were missing something- like we were completely ignoring the heart of the matter. So this past week I opened the group session by asking, "What's the opposite of self-confidence?"

"Self-doubt," one of my clients responded.

"Yes!" I said. "I'm getting pumped now."

What we discovered as a group is that life experiences and family dynamics can sow the seeds of self-doubt. Throughout our lives, we receive messages from family, friends, culture, and society about how we can and cannot trust ourselves.

If you're parents consistently laid out your clothes for you or made your decisions, the message you may have been receiving is, "We don't trust you can take care of yourself."

If you let your friends decide where you were going or who it was cool to hang out with a message you may have received is, "You can't trust your judgment." 

Maybe a message you received from romantic partners who decided what hobbies and friend group you'd interact with is, "You can't trust who you are." 

Finding underlying messages allows us to bring awareness to rules and assumptions we've made about ourselves and the world around us. So, if I received a message that I couldn't trust my own judgment, then a rule I might have is to not let anybody in. Well, unfortunately, these rigid-ass rules reinforce self-doubt.

So how do we kick self-doubt in the arrrrrrse? Well, it's actually quite simple. We take these messages and the consequential rules and assumptions, and we challenge the hell out of them. We make them more flexible because it allows room for us to have more margin for practicing self-love and building self-esteem. Look at that, full circle! 

So, you take the message you've received and you test it. If you don't think you can let people in because you've been told you can't trust your judgment, be intentional about letting someone get to know you on a somewhat deeper level. If you don't end up dead in a ditch, then chances are you can trust people a little more than you originally thought. Essentially, if you can find a smidgen of proof that maybe you do know yourself better than others might think, or you can make good decisions, then those messages aren't entirely true. 

With some practice, you can reverse the messages you've received and turn that seed of doubt into a lotus of self-love. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? So good.