Living in the Land of And

This post is straight out of the my-clients-are-smarter-than-me textbook. During a session with a client who struggles with intense anxiety, he shared with me this new perspective he's taken on. A coping skill he calls "anding". He believes he should trademark and get royalties off of coining the phrase. I agree. 

It's actually pretty simple in theory. Extremely difficult in practice. The purpose of "anding" is to combat our natural tendency to want to "but" everything. Especially when it comes to the negative things in life. 

I bet you can think of some times when you've vented about a negative experience, your friend has comforted you with wise words, and you come back with "Yes, I know, but...". I do this ALL the time. 

There is a time and a place for venting. Venting is therapeutic. However, there usually needs to be a shift if you're wanting to problem-solve around whatever has got you buggin'. The shift is in the "and".

In its most basic form "anding" looks like this: "This is something that's incredibly anxiety-provoking, and you know that dwelling on it isn't going to help". Here's another example: "I understand why you feel betrayed, and I'm really hurt you didn't come to me sooner about this."

Once it becomes habitual, you'll find yourself "anding" e-ver-ry-thing. Once fully integrated, "and" will help you get through all the problems that come your way. 

This is definitely one of those practice skills, that will take some time to conquer, and (<-------) I know that once you've got a hang of it, your perspective on a lot will change for the better. 

Take some time to think about all the things you've "butted" in the past few hours or days, "I know that I shouldn't think about him, but...." How do you think you would have felt if you had replaced the "but" with an "and" instead?

Replacing "but" with "and" is therapeutic because it validates whatever the negative or unfortunate thing is and connects it to something hopeful. I use this with clients who experience psychosis. Just like I woke up and experienced an entire day, my clients have as well- except some of their experiences weren't real. It's not easy news to break. Not easy to challenge. "Anding" has really helped when I've had to reflect my clients, "It feels like life as you know it is crumbling. and you will develop the tools to overcome these symptoms".

"Anding" is also helpful when it comes to communication in relationships. Many times adding a "but" after saying something considerate or effective nulls the entire thought process. "I know it matters to you when I get home when I say I will, but......" I know that when my spouse, Ben, or I, do this, everything after the "but" turns up the heat from, pretty pissed to, "I will murder you with a cotton ball". 

Adding the "and" softens the complaint. Helps us keep our tempers down. 

Give this skill a try and notice how you feel when you make the shift from "yes, but" to "yes, and".